With all of the over-thinking that I had been doing lately, I started to feel more stressed out than ever. And I definitely didn’t want my pent up nerves and anxieties to affect my mood for when I’d see Ricky again. I wanted to be in a good mood for him as much as possible. And if anyone knows better than to overthink things too much, it’s me. So I decided to give it a rest. I told myself that everything will happen when it’s supposed to happen. So I started killing whatever pestering thought that would come into my mind, and find my place of Zen.
Just as I started to relax, the phone rang. It was Ricky.
“Hi Love, are you gonna be ready soon? I’ll pick you up in ten minutes.”
“Hi Ricky, um… yeah, I’ll be ready.”
“Oh shit!” I thought. I had totally forgotten that Ricky was taking me out tonight, and I was sitting here over-thinking things, finding my place of Zen, like a freaking dimwit, instead of getting ready and making myself beautiful for my man. “O.K., breathe Alana, you can do this.” Yes, I talk to myself…
I got ready quicker than ever before. I didn’t want Ricky to know that I had forgotten our date, and I definitely didn’t want to keep him waiting. I threw my hair up in a stylish ponytail updo, I put on mascara, lipstick, a dress, high heels—and I was ready to go.
Tonight, Ricky was taking me to an Ed Sheeran concert. How could I possibly have forgotten about our plans? I mean, I’m crazy about Ed Sheeran. I suppose we could’ve touched base earlier in the day, but we talked about it yesterday in regards to the time and venue, and as far as when he’d be picking me up—so how on earth did I forget!
I think that this was around the point when I knew that I was becoming overly-anxious about my situation with Ricky. On one hand, I couldn’t imagine loving him more than I did. And as strange as it sounds, I felt like I loved him more and more with each passing day. But along with the feelings of love that kept growing towards Ricky, more and more anxiety from not knowing what’s going to become of us, kept growing as well. I just felt like I’d been getting so attached to him, that it was almost as if there was no turning back, at least not for me. I genuinely felt so much love for him, and without even being intimate. So, imagine if we were…
The second that I saw Ricky standing in my doorway, all of my anxious feelings seemed to dissipate, and I suddenly felt completely halcyon. Whenever Ricky was around, it just gave me a sense of peace, like everything was going to be O.K. So, we headed for the concert, which I must say, I still don’t understand why I forgot about, because Ed Sheeran is one of my favourite singers. So once we got there, we made our way in, found our seats, and we had one of the most incredibly romantic evenings ever. And before you knew it, the exquisite sounds of Ed Sheeran had come to an end, and we were already heading home.
Nothing was sweeter than when Ricky would go out of his way for me, spend time with me, and put so much love and effort into our dates. He made me feel worthy of love, coequal though, that’s a feeling that I should innately feel, and to some extent, I did. But he made me feel worthy in a way that I never knew another person could make me feel. But I think that the thing that affected me the most was that every single time that he would tell me that he loved me, I believed him. I mean, after all, his actions and words were aligned, so it was pretty clear that his feelings were aligned with mine.
Ricky and I were a great match. We had a healthy amount of give-and-take in our relationship, we were both honest, open book, we put effort into pleasing each other, and we always communicated our feelings—at least for the most part. But, once in a while we would argue. Now, I’m well aware that arguing is a normal thing that happens in every normal and healthy relationship. And maybe I shouldn’t even use the word normal when it comes to a relationship or anything for that matter, like my anxious tendencies. Having said that, We did tend to argue on more than one occasion.
Ricky dropped me off, and I very much wished that he would’ve come inside, but he said he was tired, so he kissed me, I thanked him, and we parted ways for the evening.
Early the next morning, I got woken up by a strange phone call. I looked at the clock on my nightstand, and it was merely 6AM. It took me by complete surprise, because I rarely heard from Ricky so early. He would usually contact me later in the day to touch base, like after 2PM or coequal in the evening at times.
“Hi Alana. Hi Love, Good Morning. Sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you?”
“Hi Ricky. No, it’s O.K. Is everything alright?”
“Well, I just wanted to tell you… “
Ricky continued, but spacing out his words, and he was generally a fast talker.
“Um, yes, everything’s O.K. I had a great time last night.”
“Me too!” I jumped in to say.
“I forgot to tell you that I’m leaving town this morning for a short trip to Paris, and… I wanted to say Goodbye.”
“Paris?” I said. “Are you serious? How could you forget to tell me that?”
“I’m sorry, yeah, it was last minute and I’ve just been so consumed at work, with family, and then last night I just forgot to tell you. But, it’s only for a week.”
“My God.” I said. I just… I’m kind of in shock. What’s in Paris? Are you going for fun? Work? What?”
“I just… I just, I need some time to think.” said Ricky.
“Think about what? Us? Is there something wrong?” I uttered in complete concern, fearing that I’d done something to push him away.
“No! I mean, I don’t know… I just need to think, clear my head… I’m just not feeling happy for some reason.” said Ricky.
“Ricky, did I do something wrong? Tell me if I did! Just tell me! What’s going on? I exclaimed.
“I don’t know. Alana, look, I feel like you’re forcing me to talk and say things that I’m not wanting… or just not ready to say.”
As calm and relaxed as Ricky usually appeared, he seemed strangely uncomfortable in his own skin, like he was full of anxiety. All I could think was “Did I provoke this new nervousness in Ricky?” I never saw him in such a state before. I just couldn’t figure it out. And he seemed less open about his feelings, or even in regards to what was really going on. I was baffled as to what the hell was going through his mind. I mean, how the heck does someone forget to tell their girlfriend that they’re going away, and to Paris no less, and even more so, without any notice, or explanation. And come to think of it, why in God’s name was he so unhappy? We just shared such the most beautiful and romantic evening together… I felt lost, confused, and completely stumped. What could I say? What could I do? He’s leaving in a few hours, and he won’t even talk to me. This was a side of Ricky that I hadn’t seen before.