Can you truly love someone without wanting to be in a relationship with them? That’s a question I’ve been struggling with for a while now. I guess it’s the ‘norm’ to meet someone, fall in love, date, and then get married, but what if you want to take the road less traveled? Is there such a thing?
Given the different ways and definitions people have for relationships now, I guess it’s certainly possible. Monogamy is the standard most people choose to define their relationships by, and it’s the standard I would choose for myself if I were with someone. The thing is, we live in an age where the standard is becoming outdated. Homosexuality, polyamory, friends with benefits, internet dating and long-term dating are all non-standard relationships, but relationships nonetheless. But the one thing tying them together (in most cases,) is love.
Love, which is what we’re really talking about here.
After my divorce and the subsequent relationships I’ve had since then, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I’m not designed for love or commitment for two very specific reasons- one, I have too many hang-ups, and two, I don’t think I could ever find the connection I once had. Falling in love with someone is easy. All it takes is a certain amount of attraction, chemistry, and familiarity. Been there, done that. But I want more. Way more.
If you’ve been reading my articles this whole time, then you already know what I’m talking about, and you probably know that I found the connection I’ve been looking for. The only problem is, I’m not with that person. The reasons why don’t particularly matter, because the truth is that even if the circumstances permitted it, I probably wouldn’t be with them anyway. Again, it’s because I have issues. Trust and commitment, to be more specific.
I have walls around my heart. Walls? Ha! That’s putting it mildly. It would probably be more accurate to say that I have a Dyson sphere around my heart. Absolutely nothing gets in or out unless I let it. As far as women are concerned, I can be friends with them, I can emotionally connect with them, and I can fall for them. But opening up to them and offering my heart? Not so much. I don’t trust them not to break it. I find I can breathe easier that way. Besides, you can’t break what was never whole to begin with.
The commitment thing is slightly different in terms of monogamy; which is to say that if I get involved with someone, I’m faithful. I don’t screw around, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to settle down. Women don’t seem to realize commitment and monogamy are not synonymous. I want to be with one person, but I like having the freedom to do whatever the Hell I want. The moment any woman wants to put a label on what we have without discussing it leads to me walking out the door.
Now, I should probably point out that this is my attitude when it comes to casual relationships. A lot of the women I’ve gotten involved with are ones whom I would never get serious about. But even if I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I’d probably still keep them at a distance.
If I can make a slight confession, it’s that I keep the important people in my life at arm’s length because I have this intense fear of losing them. I don’t know why, but it feels like all the people I really love get taken away from me, and I’m at the point where I just don’t want to get close to anyone. I figure if I let them know how I feel, then that’s enough.
Does it suck seeing the person you care for above everyone else with some other guy? Yup. It’s a special kind of Hell, especially when you know they’re in a shitty romantic situation. I’d rather that they found happiness with someone who treated them the way I would. I could deal with that.
Who knows? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a coward. Maybe it could simply be that I don’t have the courage to simply walk up to the woman I love and tell her how I feel to her face.
I’ve always been of the opinion that words can move mountains, but in the end, maybe actions are what count. When it comes to loving someone, if you’re not willing to act on your words, a mountain will always be the thing standing between you.