What the Commitment Phobe Looks for in a Match


Many people these days are afraid of commitment, and for many reasons. And because so many people are afraid, they tend to go after others who they’d subconsciously consider safer bets. For example, people with commitment phobia go after others who also have a fear of commitment. But they also go after those who are very “hard to get,” live far away, or someone who most people would probably consider out of their league. Distance as well as the chase are two things that tend to appeal to someone who’s commitment phobic. In this article, I wanted to share some information about why the commitment phobic types find it safer to go after someone who is out of their league so to speak, as well as why they feel safer when dating people who seem to be less of a threat when it comes to settling down. 


They’re out of your league… or not


One of the safest bets for someone who’s commitment phobic is to go after someone who will stall or lack the desire to have an immediate commitment. A person who’s considered out of someone’s league will naturally be harder to get. That alone will stall someone from having to commit. But one of the biggest problems with someone who’s commitment phobic who goes after someone who’s out of their league, is that once they finally get the other person to desire them back, their satisfaction will only be temporary, because the chase is over. Once the chase is over, the person who was once out of their league becomes less appealing, and especially when they desire to have a commitment. 


When a person goes after someone who most of the world would consider “out of their league,” the more power to them! It not only shows their confidence, but it shows resilience, being that many times, they’ll get shut down cold. It’s not easy for anyone to get shut down, and some people aren’t even kind about the way that they go about shutting someone down, and letting them know that they have zero interest. For me personally, I’m usually kind about it, and let people down gently, but sometimes, I’m just as bad as the rest of them, and I lose my noodle, and might end up coming across as rude. However, there are times when you need to be extremely direct in order to get your point across, and that can come across as rude. But, sometimes, we have no choice.


The truth is that there’s no such thing as someone being out of your league. Whether or not you agree with me, I’m right. You’ll have to debate me in the comments! Seriously though, when other people think that someone is out of your league, whether they’re strangers, family, or friends and tell you so, not only shouldn’t you believe them, but it should drive you towards proving them wrong. Not that it’s a game (because it’s not), but just so you know, you’re worth is just as good as another person’s. There’s no reason why you’re not good enough to go after the person you’ve got your heart set on. Having said that, it doesn’t mean that the person will have their heart set on you. But, you’ll never know, if you don’t try.


The more confident a man or woman comes across, the sexier and more appealing you’ll become to someone. Sometimes, persistence will be in order, but your confidence will be everything when it comes to going after someone who’s considered a great catch. What defines someone as a great catch ? Many different things can define someone as a great catch. Although, most people would consider this person or that person to be a great catch, we all have our own specific preferences. We all know what we want and what we perceive as being a great catch for us. Remember, confidence is the key. If you know your worth and you show it, other people will see it, including the person that others may say is “out of your league.” P.S. who gives a damn what they think anyway!


One of the hardest things that people deal with in the dating scene are people who are commitment phobic and people who are afraid to get hurt. This is one of my favourite and easiest topics to write on, because not only have I personally seen this a lot, but I’ve witnessed others that have experienced similar situations. These types of people are not only toxic to our fragile, and perhaps resilient souls, but if anyone ever falls for someone who’s commitment phobic or afraid to fall in love, it can be an ocean-sized pill to swallow. Ouch, right? Yea, tell me about it! Being commitment phobic and being afraid to fall in love usually go hand in hand.


People who are commitment phobic are afraid to get too close to anyone on an emotional level. This is one reason that they might tend to go after people that are considered “out of their league.” It’s almost as if they already feel that they have no chance with the person (but, they’re wrong), and whether or not they go out with them, they realize one important factor. They realize that the person that they’re going after is considered to be a “high commodity,” and that it will be a challenge. Commitment phobics love a challenge.


People who are separated, recently divorced, or those who just got out of a relationship, and haven’t yet healed are afraid of falling in love, and getting hurt. Those people shouldn’t be dating or leading people on to believe that they have an open heart, because they don’t. However, many times people will mislead others, and not let them know that they feel any pain, so that the person will think that their heart is open, so that the other person will likely give them a chance. Whether they’re merely looking for a hookup or whatever, they’re misleading others into believing that they’re intentions are pure, and that their heart is open. Scary, I know, but it happens a lot.


Long distance relationships 


Another thing that commitment phobic or people who have been previously hurt and have wounds will do is go after people who live far away. You heard it right folks, the wonderful venture of long distance relationships. Some people have good intentions, have an open heart, and are ready to fall in love, and for those people, and many others, long distance relationships might be challenging, but they can work. Those types of relationships I’ll write more on later. But, the long distance relationships that I’m talking about now are the ones explored by people who are commitment phobic. You might not even know that someone is afraid until they’ve set you free. They might make enough excuses, that you’ll end up believing one or many of them. But the truth remains that many times, their heart wasn’t open to begin with.


The reason that long distance relationships may be the preferred choice of the wounded and scared single is because they’re easy. You might think, “How is long distance easy?” Well, it’s easy for people who are afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting too close, afraid of developing feelings for anyone, and aren’t looking for anything serious (despite what they might tell you). It’s easy for someone who’s commitment phobic because it will feel safe, and because there’s bound to be less pressure.


Long distance relationships are challenging for anyone, and as we all know, although many might debate it, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Having said that, the heart can’t grow fonder by a person who’s heart is closed, but only by a person who’s heart is open and ready to fall in love. This is why this type of situation is so toxic. While one person is developing feelings for another, with the distance between them only increasing their desire and love for the person more, the commitment phobic or wounded and scared person isn’t feeling the same way. Once the commitment phobic or wounded and scared person knows how much you care for them, they’re likely to split, or end the relationship abruptly.


When it comes to dating sites, many times people will go after others that live so far away, and one must either not go out with them, or explore a relationship with them, but with a good amount of caution. There’s a lot of commitment phobia, wounded and scared, and a hell of a lot of recently separated, or divorced people on dating sites. Proceed with caution! Again, many long distance relationships work, but they almost never work when one person is commitment phobic or afraid.


Easy targets


Last but not least, another type of person who’s appealing to someone who has commitment phobia is someone who they’d consider an easy target. Unfortunately, these are the worst types of commitment phobic people. These commitment phobic people are not only the types to avoid like all other commitment phobes, but these ones are completely toxic. They’re the types that view people as objects, instead of people, and they usually do so, because they lack the ability to connect on an emotional level to an extreme degree. Perhaps they’d been hurt so badly in their past that they stopped looking for love, stopped believing that true love exists, and they likely only believe in having immediate gratification, despite who they hurt along the way.


Someone who’s an easy target might actually be someone who recently got out of a bad relationship, who’s not necessarily looking for a rebound, but more so, one who is vulnerable and still believes in love. Many people are resilient after a break up and still hope to find true love. They learn from their past, and even when they become open to once again exploring something new, they do so with an open heart. When someone with commitment phobia senses that someone is vulnerable, they’ll see them as an easy target, and lie and deceive them in any way in order to attain their trust, and merely so that they can ultimately take advantage of them. Ouch, right!


It’s truly unfortunate that people hurt others and are so incredibly selfish, but this is why we should always go into new situations with a certain amount of caution, and never become intimate too soon. The fact is, many people with commitment phobia are merely looking for intimacy and without a commitment. Some of them might even pretend or lie about wanting a commitment to attain your trust, but then quickly leave after you become intimate. Love yourself enough to wait when it comes to getting intimate with someone new, and at least until you know that their intentions are pure. Don’t just believe what people say, but instead, make sure that a person’s actions are aligned with their words.

Anne Cohen

Founder, Owner, Writer, and Editor at Anne Cohen Writes
Anne Cohen is a lifestyle and relationship blogger based in Los Angeles, CA. Her blogs are Anne Cohen and Anne Cohen Writes. She contributes to various publications including The Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and many more. She's passionate about love, writing, chess, and more than anything, her two kids.

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