Dealbreakers From a Heartbreaker

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I pretty much loathe dating. It’s an endless job interview, not to mention an exercise in futility for me. Once you’ve experienced the kind of connection I have, nothing else comes close. Which is not to say I haven’t fallen love since then, but those encounters were usually the result of friendship becoming something romantic. After my last ‘friendmance’ crashed and burned, I decided the best thing for me would be to stick to dating complete strangers or engaging in ‘friends with benefits’ types of relationships, mostly so I can cut down on the emotional attachment factor. That may sound somewhat cold to you, but my heart has been bled dry and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

I refuse to date just anyone. Being that I’m a writer, I know how to bullshit my way into any woman’s good graces. I suppose I could be getting laid every night if I wanted to, but I still have a remnant of a romantic soul burning within me. I keep yearning for a connection. When I meet a woman, the first thing I do is look into her eyes to see if there’s an immediate chemistry between us. If it’s not there but I still feel an attraction, I’ll give it a chance and see where it goes. More often than not, I walk away and say ‘adios!’ I really don’t see the point in wasting time on someone I’m not going to want to be with or sleep with.

My buddy Israel thinks I’m crazy. He says with my skills, I should be banging the hottest girls on the planet, and while I have gone out with some real lookers in the past, I rarely bother taking it to the next level. That’s probably because I’m not in it for the sex. As I’m writing this, I can feel Israel’s genitals wither away. We’re both cut from the same cloth, but whereas he always shoots for a woman’s vagina, I aim for the heart.

Internet dating makes me laugh. Every single woman wants something that doesn’t exist- a combination of Brad Pitt’s looks, Mark Zuckerberg’s money, and the romance and sensitivity of Ryan Gosling in THE NOTEBOOK. It’s not about who you are; it’s about what you have and whom you know. It kind of makes me want to vomit. Now, before you ladies come after me with torches and pitchforks- I know there are a few of you who have more depth than that, but sadly, you’re the exception and not the rule. Plus, you’re all in relationships already.

When I glance through the ads on sites like Plenty of Fish or OKCupid, it’s more for the entertainment value than an actual search for the ‘next great love of my life’. More often than not, I spend my time rolling my eyes at some of the silly things these women write. Sometimes I’ll respond to them with a joke. Nothing mean or nasty, just cute and mildly irritating; some of them I’ve even gone out on dates with.

The other thing is, everyone has a set of ‘dealbreakers’- qualities and quirks that people find undesirable in a potential match. After nearly going blind from reading so many ads over the years, I’ve assembled a list of my own dealbreakers that have helped me weed out the ‘undesirables’, so to speak.

For Your Amusement, Here They Are:

NO RAIDERS FANS

I can’t abide these people. Even though the Raiders can’t win a game to save their lives, their fans steadfastly remain loyal to this joke of an NFL team. I honestly have no idea if I should commend them for their loyalty or bitch-slap them for being so hopeless.

NO HOODRATS

This sort of goes hand in hand with number one. Call me a snob, but I have issues with girls who have penciled-in brows, accentuate their lips with eyeliner, and tease their hair up into orbit. And no – I won’t be your puppet.

NO CONSERVATIVES

The last thing I want to do is be in a relationship with someone who has different political beliefs than me. I mean, it would be fun to have hate sex, doing to them what their representatives have done to the country, but I don’t know if I want to go through all the effort of faking being a Trump supporter just to have sex. My brain would probably melt out out through my ears from having to dumb it down. In the immortal words of Meat Loaf: “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do THAT.”

NO HARDCORE DODGER FANS

I’m not real big on sports in general, and after dating one Dodger fan, I know from experience that they never shut up about them and always want to drag me to the games. Listen- if I wanted to be bored off my ass for four hours, I’d watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. To say nothing of the fact that I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of homies who got out of prison right before the game started.

IF THEY — USE THE PHRASE, “I KNOW WHAT I’M WORTH!”

So does your average hooker.

ANYONE WHO OWNS MORE THAN ONE CAT

Don’t get me wrong- everyone loves a little pussy. But not when the dander makes my sinuses explode like a pack of M80 firecrackers. Not only that, but having more than one cat pretty much says to your date, “My vagina has more cobwebs than the Haunted Mansion!” Plus, nobody likes the smell of cat piss.

VEGANS

Listen, just because I put vegans on this list, it doesn’t mean I’m going to reject you outright. I can respect your dietary choices as long as you can respect the fact that I like to consume the occasional steak. But if you’re going to be a militant psycho about it, then get out of my car and go burn your hemp underwear in the vegetable aisle at your local Whole Foods, all right?

JESUS FREAKS

I’m going to come right out and say it- Bible thumpers make me sick. I honestly don’t care if you’re religious, as long as you keep it to yourself. If your faith is important to you and it enriches your life, awesome. I can respect that. I can even support it. But if you plan on forcing your views on other people and judging them for their choices, then I’m going to kick you and your bible to the curb.

WOMEN WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR

With as many jokes as I make, if you’re not laughing, then you ain’t for me. Go date an insurance salesman.

CLINGERS

Come on- if I wanted to be in a parasitic relationship, I’d date a tapeworm.

GOLDDIGGERS

I’ll put it to you this way- I’d rather date someone who picks at her nose rather than my wallet.

GIRLS WHO DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘YOUR’ AND ‘YOU’RE’

There’s nothing I hate worse than an idiot who thinks they’re intelligent. Even worse, I can’t date anyone who has abysmal writing skills. Call me silly.

ANYONE WHO SAYS, “I’M LOOKING FOR MY KING!”

I don’t want to be a king- I want to be an equal. If I wanted a Stepford wife, I’d date a republican or a Fox news anchor.

KIM KARDASHIAN FANS

No. Just No. If you seriously think Kim Kardashian adds any value to the human race, get the Hell away from me and go wax your eyebrows.

GIRLS WHO KNOW THE LYRICS TO MORE THAN ONE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG

This is more annoying than anything else. I’d deal with it the same way I would if you were religious; as long as you kept it to yourself, we’re cool. The moment you started blasting “Shake It Off” in my car, I’d head straight for the Pacific Coast Highway, gun the car past eighty miles an hour, and drive us right off a cliff.

WOMEN OVER THE AGE OF 35 WHO STILL LIKE “HELLO KITTY!”

I probably shouldn’t be complaining considering I’m a comic book geek, but there’s a difference between liking comic books and liking Hello Kitty- Hello Kitty is lame. I’d have more respect if you were into Betty Boop.

CHICKS WHO REFER TO THEIR BOYFRIENDS AS ‘BAE’

If you EVER call me ‘Bae’, I’m saying, “Bye!”

GIRLS WHO WEAR UGGS IN WARM WEATHER

I hate uggs in general. They’re completely unattractive. They make women look as though they have an acute case of cankles. Having said that, I can understand why women enjoy wearing them when it’s cold. BUT- if it’s over seventy-five degrees and you’re still wearing those sweat-soaked, foot odor infused bacteria traps, don’t come anywhere near me. I would rather cuddle up to a zombie who wiped his ass with a skunk than be around you.

SHY GIRLS WHO REF– USE TO TALK

I like a girl who has something to say. I love a girl who can banter and match me sarcastic comment for sarcastic comment. There’s nothing sexier than a girl who can make me laugh. But nothing turns me off more than a girl who sits there and stares at me blankly as though she mixed up her meds and is trying REAL hard not to freak out. Seriously, if I have to carry on most of the conversation, I’m going to tell you to your face, “Know what? I’m going to return you to the sex doll factory and get my money back!”

PRETTY MUCH ANYONE WHO TAKES AN INTEREST IN ME

I have a sickness that my mother identified while I was a teenager. After I dumped this girl after only one date because she smiled too much, (I know, I’m weird,) my Mom told me, “I think you’re being too picky! Why is it that you only want the girls who don’t want you?” Flash-forward 25 years later and add one divorce, and I’m looking back at every woman I ever dated, only to come to the conclusion that my mother hit the nail right on the head. I waste more time and energy chasing girls who aren’t interested in me. Granted, persistence usually wins out, though I’m getting tired of being served with restraining orders.

(Kidding. It’s never happened, I swear!)

I don’t know what my problem is. The women that take an immediate shine to me, for whatever reason, become psychotically obsessed. I have no idea why. The more they try to wedge their way into my life, the more repellent they become. A lot of times I have to go into hiding after breaking up with them. No bullshit.

On the other side of the spectrum, the women who have hated me at first sight usually end up becoming the ones who have genuinely loved me the most. Don’t ask me to explain it, because I can’t.

All I want is a balance between a friend and a lover. I already had a soulmate, and that relationship just about annihilated me. I also fell in love with one of my best friends, and that blew up in my face, also. I’m not really sure what’s left.

Maybe I ought to start trolling the coma patients. You think?

Keep in mind- none of the above is completely set in stone. I always make allowances for things like beauty and personality. It really boils down to what you’re willing to live with. I don’t discriminate THAT much.

Unless you have fundamental differences between you and someone you’re thinking of dating, my advice is to let the little things go. When you find that special connection, it shouldn’t come with a price tag and it doesn’t always arrive wrapped in a perfect little package. Sometimes it comes from the place you expect it the least.

I would know better than most.

Gregory B. Gonzalez

Writer at MadMikesAmerica and ACW
Gregory B. Gonzalez has a column on MadMikesAmerica and is a regular Contributor on ACW.

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