Don’t mind the title of this piece. It’s kind of misleading. I know exactly why I love you. Or to be more accurate, I know what it is about you that I’m in love with. But the exact reasons why? I’m still struggling with those. Not to mention what I’m going to do about it. I feel like I just lost the ability to see, and I’m stumbling around in pitch darkness on a sunny day. Good thing I’m not actually blind. With my luck, I’d probably wander into the path of a bus.
I know where we stand. That’s not in dispute. What I’m trying to do right now is learn how to deal with these feelings that have been awakened in me. The easiest thing for me to do would be to bottle them up and pretend they don’t exist, but considering how adamant you are about me being honest, keeping my heart open and my walls down, that’s not really an option. Another alternative is to leave everything lying out and mope around like some lovesick idiot. Which doesn’t do a whole lot for my ego, thank you very much. If there’s a fine line between being honest and pathetic, I think I crossed it and left it in my rear view mirror.
I’ve already explained why I feel the way I do, and you know what you mean to me. I don’t really want to turn this into another romantic confessional. I’m trying to figure out the reasoning behind it. The truth is, reason has very little to do with it- love is a feeling thing, not a thinking thing. I can’t apply logic to something that isn’t logical. And with that single sentence, I think I may have just figured out what my stumbling block has been this whole time. I over-think my relationships instead of simply going with it. I’m trying to force along something that doesn’t need to be forced. We were doing pretty well before any of this crap started, and I’m trying too hard to get back to it. No wonder I’m driving you crazy!
For being such a smart guy, I can be a real idiot sometimes. I’m sorry. I may have the intellectual level of a genius, but my emotional IQ is somewhere below that of a Trump supporter.
Okay, so I’ve sorted that out. Now here’s the big question- what am I going to do about it? Well, I know what I’d like to do about it, but that’s really not an option at the moment. I’ve spent the majority of my life with my heart stuck on the ‘emotionally unavailable’ shelf, mostly because I never thought I’d meet somebody who’d make me want to dust it off and take it down. It’s yours anytime you want to pick it up. It’s reserved under your name.
When I say, ‘I’m not ready’, I mean it in the sense that my life isn’t in the place where I think it should be in order to carry on a serious relationship. In the wake of having to care for a dying family member and then mourning them, it’s not like I made building a life a priority. I was barely beginning to get my shit together when we started talking. I never expected to meet anyone like you, much less… well… you know.
Speaking of which, that explains why I was always okay with you knowing how I feel while still being friends, because it meant that we had time to get to know each other as I did the things I needed to do, that way, if things went to the next level, I’d be ready, or at least closer to my goal. And if it never got to that point, we’d still be good.
Things are kinda screwed up now, though.
I thought we were working towards the same objective, headed up the highway in the same general direction, but at some point, we decided to go our separate ways. And now it feels like I’m completely on my own. The thing is, I know I’m not, and I know I have you in my corner still. I’m thankful for that. I couldn’t do any of this without you.
For the moment, I need some time to figure out a few things. Granted, I just cracked a huge hole in the problem, but now I need to walk away long enough to get my head in the game and my ducks in a row. As much as I’m sorry to say it, I can’t allow you the space you’re currently occupying in my head. I need it to get this done. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be along for the ride. Like it or not, I always have you with me. Even if I’m stumbling around in the dark, I know you’ll always be shining the light I need to find my way home.
And I will be back. I just have to figure myself out first.
As for the why… it’s easy. You gave me back the things that I was missing. You brought my heart back to life. You gave me my inspiration back. Hope was just a word I clung onto to keep me going, but you gave it meaning. I love you for that. And whatever happens, friends or not, we are in this together.
That’s my promise to you.