In all honesty, it’s hard not to miss you. To not think about you. You’re the first thing that pops into my head when I wake, and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep.
When night falls, that’s when it usually hurts the most. I close my eyes, and the images of you in my head bombard me like a hurricane battering the shore. I want to reach for my phone and call you or text, but I don’t. I need to keep you at arm’s length.
Sometimes, though… I let the pictures flow freely through my mind’s eye, if only to feel at least a little closer to you. Just from seeing you in my head, I can say I’ve pretty much memorized every line of your face by now. Looking into your eyes, I see all the wonder, love, and hurt that’s hiding behind them. When I see you smile, it’s sort of like being able to look at the sun without going blind- it fills you up with light while enveloping you in its warmth.
I know what you think. You’ve only told me a million times- you think that I got into this out of a desire to build a romantic relationship between us, but you’re wrong. If you knew me half as well as you think you do, then you’d know that relationships are like kryptonite to me. And as much as I… care about you, and as much as I wish things could be different between us, the plain and simple truth is, I’m not ready for that.
But I am trying to be. I’m trying to be better. In a lot of ways, I’m still broken inside, and I’m pulling the pieces back together. Trying to do it in a relationship would be almost impossible because I’d be trying to find myself while trying to make it work between us. I’d only end up hurting us both, and I ain’t doing that. If we got together and I screwed it up, then I would rather do it as a whole person than whatever I am now. So for now, I guess it’s gonna have to be separate roads, hopefully leading to the same destination.
For the moment, I have to make this journey on my own.
The thing is, though, you’re always with me. In my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. You’re my motivation- the force that keeps me going. You’re my inspiration- the creative spark that brings out the best in my work. You’re the heart behind my words- what makes me so good at touching people’s emotions. I was always good at what I do, I know that, but having you in my life makes me a thousand times better than I ever thought I could be.
In those moments when I’m either tired or can’t focus, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and see your face. I picture the light coming from your eyes- the light that can only come from some otherworldly place filled with a chorus of angels. That smile on your lips, the one that shoots a million volts of electricity through my nervous system- it’s like taking a hit of speed laced with caffeine. It makes me feel powerful. I feel invincible. Like I can do anything. It’s amazing.
I have no idea why you have this effect on me. I don’t question it- I simply take it and use it as a gift you’ve given me. The best gift I could ask for: a purpose. I’ve always known what I was meant to do, I just lost my reason for doing it. You gave it back to me. Thank you.
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
With you being as beautiful as you are, I’m sure you have other guys fantasizing over you left and right. I’m pretty sure you think you have an idea of what I picture in my head of us together, but you’d be wrong.
The only fantasy I have? That of the two of us sitting on a couch together, me scribbling away in a notebook with you tapping furiously away on a computer keyboard, doing what we do best. Then you stop, look in my direction and just watch me as I keep writing, smiling at me but not wanting to be a distraction. While at the same time, I smile knowing you were looking at me. We both laugh uncontrollably for no reason.
That’s it. Kinda lame, huh?
Writer at MadMikesAmerica and Anne Cohen Writes
Gregory B. Gonzalez has a column on MadMikesAmerica and is a regular Contributor on Anne Cohen Writes.