I’ve written a lot about how I feel towards you. I’ve opened my heart to you more than I ever thought I could. More than I have to anyone in years. It may not seem like such a big deal to you, but when you factor in the way I express myself, knowing that I’ve only been able to do it with one other person, trust me- it’s monumental. It only goes to show how special and truly amazing you are.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes- the pure joy you radiate in me. Sometimes I feel like I have an Earthquake beating my in chest instead of a heart. Knowing how much my words mean to you, I want to chain myself to my computer and pen a sonnet that could bring Shakespeare to tears. Yeah, I know I’m a cheesy, romantic cornball, but I can’t help myself. That’s what you bring out in me.
I understand why you would be skeptical of my feelings, especially given how fast it seemed they developed. But the thing you don’t get is that I’ve been through this before. I know what I’ve been looking for long enough to know it when I see it immediately. When you first entered my life, I thought you were just another cute girl to crush on and walk away from, another disposable fantasy I could flirt with, dream of once or twice, and politely forget. It’s all I’ve allowed myself.
But you are so much more than that. More than I ever thought I wanted, more than I’ve ever dreamed of, and certainly more than I deserve. And I know couldn’t walk away from you if I tried. I already have, more than once, and I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t.
You already know most of the story- When I was young, I met and fell for my soulmate, got my heart broken and tried in vain to get that connection back, entered a marriage to a woman I didn’t truly love that ended in disaster, and finally fell for my best friend only to find she didn’t love me back.
After all that, I decided to seal up the remnants of my heart and live the rest of my life alone. It just seemed easier.
Then you came into my life. Kind of funny when I stop and remember that you found me- I wasn’t looking for you. I could have ignored it, I could have taken one look at your photo, committed it to the recesses of my memory and forgotten about you, but I didn’t. There was something in your eyes that caught my attention.
I found out as much about you as I possibly could, and we became friends. You thought I was funny and talented and got me to join you on this insane crusade of yours. Though to tell you the truth, my heart was never really in it. I was going through the motions- at first.
But then a funny thing happened. We finally met, and once in your presence, I knew. I knew it the same way I kinda did with someone else twenty years before. And it makes me wonder- did you feel it too?
Considering how messed up things got for awhile after that, I’d guess so. Maybe. I don’t know.
What I do know is this- since the moment we met, you’ve burrowed your way into my heart and into my mind. Maybe I couldn’t understand it or accept it in the beginning, and there are times when I still don’t. Maybe there are times when I think I might be deluding myself. But when I take a second to think of all the ways you’ve affected me, I’m thinking I might be right.
A very wise man once told me, “Listen to your heart, for it will never lead you wrong.”
The only problem is, I stopped listening a long time ago. Until now.
The universe works in very strange ways, I grant you that. I honestly believed it had turned its back on me. Now I see that I had tuned my back on it. Lost in all my anger, bitterness, and pain, I refused to see where it was trying to lead me. I threw away all of my gifts and stopped believing in myself.
It took the death of someone close to me to see what I was doing wrong. And though the road back wasn’t easily traveled, I’m here now.
More importantly, you’re here now.
I know we’re not together, and I don’t know if we ever will be, but that doesn’t matter for the moment. It doesn’t matter how far or close you are from me as long as we’re both on the same path. I can only say that I hope to see you there at the finish line.
We haven’t known each other all that long, but it doesn’t really matter. In my heart, I pretty much know everything I need to. And if I’m right about what’s in yours, then you do too. The rest is just filling in the blanks.
I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I will anyway… my soulmate, she knows about you. We’re still good friends, and I mentioned you to her and how I felt. After that conversation, she said, “Well, if you think she’s really the one, then she has my blessing.”
Floored, I was like, “Really? You’ve never said that about anyone- not even my ex-wife!”
She said, “Because if she could hear the way you speak of her to me, then she must be the one. I can tell she makes you happy. “
I replied, “She truly does.”
My soulmate said, “Then be happy.”
I don’t know what the future holds, and that scares the Hell out of me. But for the first time in a long time, I’m positive. I have faith.
This story is going to end with, “And they lived happily ever after.”
Latest posts by Gregory B. Gonzalez (see all)
- For The Daughter I Never Knew I Wanted - May 24, 2017
- Can You Love Someone And Not Want to be With Them? - May 23, 2017
- The Heart of the Matter - April 11, 2017