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When it comes to dating and finding your best possible match, at times, it can be quite challenging, because of how many wrong matches are out there. But even more so, because of how many wrong matches we delusionally look at as promising and right for us. Many times, we waste our time exploring situations with them, when really, we told our instinct to shut it, because we were enjoying the moment, wanting what we wanted, and acting as if the red flags that we’ve seen—Well, that’s not really a red flag! Sometimes, we simply want what we want, and even when it’s the wrong situation for us, and at times, even when it’s not good for us.
We sweep red flags under the rug, give the wrong people and those who have bad track record the benefit of the doubt—when they don’t deserve it, and some of us don’t even know what we really want, and sometimes, some of us are attracted to certain things in people that really aren’t the types of qualities that you should be looking for in a match.
We look at frosting, and delusionally think that it’s cake. Frosting is nice to have, but the cake, which is the foundation and mandatory, is a “must have.” But for whatever reason, many of us are attracted to frosting, which are things that are nice to have, but not essential. We need to start seeing the difference between the two, and why it’s so important that we don’t settle down with a great catch, but the wrong match. Looking good on paper, in person, or in the eyes of anyone, including yourself, if you’re not seeing things clearly—isn’t enough. You’re not looking for a temporary loving situation, are you? If you’re not, then you need to go after the right situation and the right match who you’ll feel happiness with for the long term, and not merely enjoy the quick, instant gratification of the short term high.
It’s good to know what you want, and if anything, you need to know what you want before you even put yourself on the market to date. You should have some idea of what you want, what you like, what you don’t like, and you should also have a pretty good idea of what works for you and what doesn’t in a relationship. You should know what you’re looking for, you should have reasonable expectations, and you shouldn’t settle for less than what you want.
Having said that, let’s presume that you’ve found someone who you really like and you start dating them. And they seem to be this incredible match for you, things are going well, and you’re in this blissful honeymoon phase of what could be an amazing and promising situation. But then you start to see red flags and things that you know won’t work for you for the long term, or maybe even for the short term—but you stay. And perhaps you’re in this blissful honeymoon state with the person you’re dating, and suddenly you find out that they don’t want children in the future, when you know for a fact that this is something that you truly hope for one day— you need to end these types of situations early on, and before you perhaps get even more attached to them.
I understand that it’s difficult to end something during that honeymoon state of bliss that most couples would experience early on while dating. However, it’s something that you need to do in order to find your best possible match. Otherwise, you’ll basically be settling for someone else’s best possible match, while for you, they will simply be a good catch, but ultimately, not the right person for you.
Another example that I can give you would be, if you’re in this honeymoon state of bliss early on while dating, and then you start to see that the other person is playing mind games, trying to have the upper hand while dating or in your relationship, playing a little bit too hard to get, or being completely unavailable and not giving you the attention that you crave—you need to end things. You’re setting the tone for what’s to come in the future.
You need to be O.K. with how things are now, or you need to end the situation as well. If you’re not O.K. with how someone is treating you early on, you need to address the issue, and communicate your feelings to them– that is, if it’s worth it for you to have them in your life and work on things. But if it’s not worth it to you, then you need to end the situation, and date the type of person who you’ll feel more compatible with, and who will give you the love, attention, and affection that you desire, and without the childish, preposterous, and unnecessary mindgames.
One of the biggest foundations for all healthy and happy relationships, is having the comfort level to communicate your feelings to your partner. You should be able to talk to one another freely and openly, and without feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or too nervous to share your thoughts and your genuine feelings. You should feel at ease with your partner more than anyone else in this world.
You should be best friends and know that they’re the person who you can vent to and call upon when or if there’s something that you want or need, and that you can trust them more than anyone, that they won’t judge you, manipulate you, play mind games with your emotions, or make you feel bad for how you feel, what you think, what you believe, or what you do in life. Your partner should be someone who supports you and loves you, without judgment for having different feelings than they have on certain issues, or for being your authentic self, or for being too sensitive, and even if you have certain issues that you’re trying to improve. We should be one another’s backbone when we’re in a healthy, happy, and loving relationship.
Setting the tone early on is imperative. You see, how someone treats you early on, is how they’re probably going to treat you for the duration of your relationship. You need to set the tone early on, and make it known what you’re O.K. with, and what you’re not. You need to make it clear as to what your wants are, what your needs are, and what your expectations are in your relationship. Tell your partner honestly and directly if something isn’t working for you, and if something needs to change. And if you’re being reasonable and honest about your feelings with your partner, if they’re the right match, they should be understanding and loving with how they respond. But more than that, when you’re with the right match, they’ll likely not only respond with kindness and in a positive way to how you feel, but their words will be aligned with their actions. In other words, actions speak louder than words. But there should always be a good balance between what you say and what you do.
When someone tells you that they’re going to improve themselves or change how things are or how things have been, they’re just saying words. And although it’s nice to hear those words, if their actions aren’t aligned with what they say, they’re simply not putting enough love and effort into you or your relationship. They’re not being loving or dedicated enough to your relationship. When someone cares about you and your relationship enough, they work on improving things when needed or even simply to maintain things. As we all know, a little bit of effort can go a long way.
Don’t waste your time by being with the wrong person because of chemistry or attraction that you might feel early on and during that honeymoon phase that you might be experiencing. Trust me when I say this—you’ll experience the best honeymoon phase of your life, when you’re with the right match. But if you stay in a toxic situation or one where your needs and wants aren’t being met, assuming your effort in communicating how you feel to your partner didn’t go over well, you’re wasting your time with the wrong person. And until you do something about it, nothing’s going to change for you. Especially, if you haven’t recognized and understood the value of knowing your self worth. You need to love yourself enough that you won’t stand for being treated poorly, so that you won’t stick around and let someone play mind games with your heart and your feelings, and so you love yourself enough not to stay in a situation that’s not meant for you when the signs are loud and clear.
Be patient and don’t waste your time by being with the wrong match when you know that you want different things in life, different treatment, and when you see that the other person and you don’t mesh well together and nothing seems to flow. Remember, during early dating, there should definitely be a honeymoon phase, and things should naturally flow to a certain extent. But also know, that the honeymoon phase might be there—even with the wrong match, so be cautious that you’re not staying with someone and sweeping red flags under the rug, hiding your true feelings, and being with them for the wrong reasons.
Just because you’d rather be with them because of the attraction and chemistry, because you have a great time together, or even because they’re a great catch, it’s not enough. Again, you need to remember not to waste your time or anyone else’s by being with the wrong person. At the end of the day, it’s not about finding your “almost” best match, it’s about finding your one true love, your absolute, best possible match, your soulmate, and that one special someone who you were destined to be with— that is, if you believe in true love.