I’m pretty tapped out right now. I just spent the last couple of hours working on an article for somebody else, but I couldn’t go to sleep without addressing this one thing. I know I said I was going to stop overthinking everything, but come on- you can’t just expect me to go cold turkey in one day. Even cigarette smokers need that one last puff before tossing their pack in the garbage.
Anyway, you made this comment where it seemed like you wanted to tell me what you were thinking about all of the stuff I’ve been writing, but then choked it back because you remembered me saying I didn’t need to know. Well, the thing is, I DO want to to know what you’re thinking or feeling, but the reason I haven’t pushed it is because I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to feel something you don’t.
Honestly, in my heart, I kind of think you feel something, but I’m just guessing. I don’t know for sure, and I’m not banking on that assumption. I’m saying what I feel in writing because that’s how I roll- I can’t make something materialize out of thin air. I can only tap into what’s in my heart. I mean, if I’m connecting to something in you that isn’t coming from me, it’s because it was already there to begin with.
I could spend the rest of the time over-analyzing this stuff to death, but I won’t. For me, knowing that I can touch your heart is enough for me. I’m not worried about what may or may not be in your heart right now, because we have time to figure it out. I just want to use that time to learn everything I can.
It would be the easiest thing in the world to take the sliver of your heart that I have and pull out the rest, but I don’t want you that way. Some things are better when they’re earned.
I learned a long time ago that love, real love– is a gift freely given. You should never have to force, manipulate, or emotionally blackmail someone into being with you. You have to decide that on your own. I can’t- I shouldn’t, make the choice for you.
I won’t lie to you- of course I want to hear how you feel- about me, about what I write, and everything I’m trying to do. I want to hear everything. I want you to talk my ear off. But I want to hear it when you know for certain where your heart lies.
It’s incredibly hard for me to tell you how I feel knowing that I can’t see you, or talk to you, or be with you when I want to be, even if it’s only for five minutes. Sometimes, all I wanna do is make you laugh and make your day a little better. But as I said, I know the reality of the situation. We both have our own separate lives and things we need to do. I get that.
The important thing is, although you’re not here, a part of you is always with me. As long as that remains true, then I’m good. I’m happy.
I just want you to know, if there are things I haven’t said, it isn’t because I don’t want to. It’s because I don’t know if I can stop once I let go. Maybe someday.
Sweet dreams, Princess.
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