I Wish I Felt Nothing

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I wish I felt nothing.

I wish I were a blank space.

I don’t want to feel this way.

I wish my emotions were a clean slate.

I don’t want you in my head.

I don’t want you in my heart.

Every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing your face.

I think it might be driving me insane.

I wish I felt nothing

But I have only myself to blame.


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I wish I felt nothing.

I can’t help feeling overwhelmed every minute of every day by you. It’s not because you call me, or text me, or even when you’re near me. Sometimes it’s just the very idea of you. Sometimes I think I’m going to drown in all of the emotion you bring out of me. It’s like being deaf your whole life and then waking up one morning and hearing a chorus of angels singing. It’s all in my head, and I can’t drown out the sound.

 

I wish I were a blank space.

My whole life, all I ever wanted was to fade into the crowd and be like everyone else. Then you came into my life, and not only do you praise me for my individuality, but you think it makes me special.

 

I don’t want to feel this way.

The things you bring out in me- the things you see in me, I don’t want them. I don’t need them. I’ve gotten along fine without them. Though you aren’t the first person to see the real me, you’re one of the very few who can bring out the best in me.

 

I wish my emotions were a clean slate.

I care too much for people as it is. My family, my friends…. I don’t have enough room in it for you. Or at least, that’s the reality I choose to embrace. If I allow myself to care about you, then I’m admitting that the scarring around my heart isn’t as hard as I thought it was. I need it to be. You’ve already penetrated my armor and broke down the walls. Once you’ve broken the seal around my heart, that’s it- I’m done.

 

I don’t want you in my head.

 You’re already in there. I can’t get you out. Can’t kick you out. Can’t distract you out. Can’t occupy my thoughts with anything else because you keep drifting back in. Seems like the only way I can get away from you is if I’m asleep, and even then, that’s only when I can actually get to sleep.

 

I don’t want you in my heart.

I’m barely hanging on as it is. Every other woman I’ve ever known has usually had some flaw that I could exploit to keep them away, but you, you’re like a diamond- flawless. And the more I learn, the more I get to know you, just reinforces that. If I had any sense, I would run as far from here as I could possibly get, and don’t think I haven’t sat in my car, my keys poised to start the ignition and speed away and never look back. Done it before, but now, for some reason, I can’t. And if I do, I know I’d point it to wherever you are.

 

Every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing your face.

It goes beyond saying that you’re beautiful. It’s not even a question, really. But while everyone else just focuses on the surface, I’m looking below that. The tug I feel on my heart isn’t just coming from the attraction; it’s from the part of me that taps into the creative wellspring. It’s the muse in you that inspires me to do what I do best and do it better than I could have ever dreamed. The very image of you is burned into my brain. I can count every line of your face and every curve in your smile.

 

I think it might be driving me insane.

I don’t mean that the way it sounds. It just means I feel so consumed by you, and I don’t want to be. I feel like my emotions are in a tug of war between my head and my heart, and my head is losing. My head knows that what I’m feeling is not logical, while the heart knows logic doesn’t enter into the equation. The two sides can’t reconcile.

 

I wish I felt nothing, but I have only myself to blame.

It would be the easiest thing in the world to blame you for how I feel, you being who you are, but that would be like blaming the Mona Lisa for inspiring Leonardo da Vinci to paint her. Admittedly, I am trying to fight my feelings, though at this point, I can’t honestly say if it’s more for my benefit or for yours.

 

I may not know what I’m going to do, but I do know one thing- I can’t go back to being who I was. I don’t want to.

Gregory B. Gonzalez

Writer at MadMikesAmerica and Anne Cohen Writes
Gregory B. Gonzalez has a column on MadMikesAmerica and is a regular Contributor on Anne Cohen Writes.

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4 thoughts on “I Wish I Felt Nothing

  1. Awesome! I really like this one! I’m glad I scrolled deeper to see deeper, I really like how you put that together Gregory

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