I’m sitting here in front of my computer, trying to think of what to say. Trying to string together the perfect words to make you feel what I’m feeling. I mean, what else can I say that I haven’t already? As good as I am with them, the truth is, words can only take me so far. I’m getting to the point where I don’t know what to say anymore.
The thing is, though- I know my words have been getting to you. I know you’ll only deny it or avoid the subject completely if I asked you straight out, which is why I haven’t. Not only that, but I don’t want to make it like I’m pushing you to feel something more than you already do. It’s just hard to sit here, waiting for something that might not ever materialize.
Don’t think that I’m angry or frustrated over the situation- I’m not. If anything, I’m frustrated because I keep thinking of what could be instead of living in the moment. My mind should be occupied in the here and now and appreciating what we have. I mean, I do, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping for more than that. I’m doing my best not to focus on it.
But when the darkness comes calling and the world falls silent, in the moments before sleep comes to claim me, I close my eyes, and all I see is your face. My mind becomes a living slideshow of every picture of you floating in my head, and I can’t turn it off.
I’ll be honest with you- more than once, this whole thing has made me wonder if I should just make a clean break and leave it all behind. There are times why I even wonder what I’m doing it for, or where it’s all going to lead. I’ve wasted enough of my life waiting on something I was never going to get back, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want the time I have left to mean something.
That’s when I realize I’ve been doing it this whole time. I’m doing exactly what I set out to do, without knowing it. I have always believed in the idea that fate puts us in the places we’re meant to be and with the people who are meant to be a part of our lives. If I forgot that for a moment, it’s only because I decided to withdraw from the world. But I’m back now.
And here you are.
This is where it gets a little tricky. See, I want you to pay close attention to this part, but I don’t want what I’m going to say next to be dissected and processed by your brain, or felt through your emotions. This is an appeal to the one thing I’ve been trying reach virtually since I wrote my first piece telling you how I feel- your heart. So if you can please just tune out the noise from everything else, hear me out. Open up long enough to hear my next words. If you can do that, then I will never ask you for anything ever again.
For a long time now, I never wanted to feel anything for anyone. I closed my heart because I couldn’t stand to let it get hurt again. It’s been bruised, battered, and beaten to the point that I’m surprised it can still keep me alive. For a long time, I almost didn’t want it to. But as I’ve told you before, I only hung on this long because I had to, for my friends and my family. That one sliver of hope has kept me going, but it was only a thread I kept hanging onto until I found a better reason.
And that reason is you.
I know what you’re going to say- you didn’t do anything and I’m giving you too much credit. I’m really not, though. You weren’t the reason I decided to start putting my life back together. You weren’t the reason I wanted to get back into doing what I do best, and you aren’t the reason I’m doing any of the things I’m doing.
But you are the inspiration behind it. You’re the force that pushes me to do what I have to do- what I’m best at. You took the anger out of my words and replaced them with hope. You are the thing that makes want to be better than who I was and makes me want to conquer the world. If there’s a higher compliment than that, I can’t think of it.
The heart that beats in your chest- that’s what I’m in love with. That’s whom I’m writing this for. My whole life, all I’ve ever done is float along in the raging river of life, letting it take me wherever it leads, but that’s over now.
I’m going to take control of my life and turn it into what I want it to be. I hope you’ll be a part of it someday. I want you to, but that’s a choice only you can make. For years, I’ve let my fears and insecurities rule my life, and even though they may take hold once in awhile, I’m not going to let them stop me. Never again.
The only other thing I have to say is, no matter what else happens or where we go from here, I want you to know that I have always believed in you- as much as you’ve believed in me this whole time. I have faith in you- more than you will ever know.
For half of my life, I’ve kept a journal, telling my life story as it happened. From here on out, it’s going to be more than that. I’m writing my own happy ending.