How to Cheat and Get Away With It



Well… not really. I had you going for a minute there though, didn’t I? Truth of the matter is, I was going to write an article about how to cheat without getting caught, but after a conversation with my friend Sandra, (you know- the one from my other article about me going to church,) I changed my mind.

This past Sunday, I took her out for a belated birthday breakfast and made the mistake of telling her what my next article would be about. I explained that I meant it to be taken in a tongue-in-cheek, don’t take it seriously, intellectual exercise kind of way, but she wasn’t having it. So, Sandra being Sandra, insisted on throwing in her two cents and told me she hated the idea (not that Anne wasn’t too keen on it, either.)

Sandra got on her soapbox and began preaching to me the evils of cheating. She began by telling me some story involving a good friend of hers who liked to cheat on her husband even though there was never anything wrong with the marriage. Her friend simply enjoyed screwing around with other guys. (In my head, I jokingly thought, “I don’t suppose you still have her number, do you?”)

Anyway, Sandra was pretty disgusted by her friend’s attitude and they stopped talking because of it. After hearing this story, we said goodbye, and on the drive home, I started having flashbacks to my own experiences with cheating, and it left me both nauseous and bummed out.

Before I continue, I need to make one thing absolutely clear- I have NEVER cheated on anyone I’ve been with. Not once. I don’t believe in it. It’s not an honorable thing to do. My opinion has always been, if you’re not in love with your partner anymore, you should just own up to it and either work it out or walk away. It’s that simple.

By now, I guess you’re wondering, “Then why were you going to write an article telling guys how to cheat?” Answered easily enough; I wasn’t. As I already explained- what I originally intended was a bit of relationship satire along with a little “the more you know” type of moralizing to keep anyone from taking me seriously.

For me, it was an intellectual puzzle to see if I could come up with some ideas on how to screw around while minimizing the odds of getting caught. Most guys tend to concentrate on the sex and not enough on covering their tracks. So naturally, they get caught. If I were the cheating type, my priority would be keeping it secret as opposed to running around and banging every chick in my area code.

I’ve been cheated on twice, and both times pretty well sucked. Okay, maybe not the second time so much, but the first time felt as if somebody gouged my heart out of my chest with an ice-cream scoop. Fun times! We’ll explore that in more detail in a moment, though. I want to flash back/forward to the second time I was cheated on. In terms of explanations, I know it seems like an ass-backwards way of doing things, but you’ll understand better by the time I reach the end of the article.

Fourteen years ago, I did the dumbest thing a human being can conceivably do- I got married. To make matters worse, I married somebody I was never truly in love with. At the time, I was turning thirty and thought it was time to ‘settle down, get married, and grow up,’ and my wife seemed to be the kind of person to do that with.

I used to compare my marriage to the one seen in the film, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY, but with me in the role of Julia Roberts. Yeah, I’m joking, however, there is a grain of truth to the joke. The whole experience was a six-year descent into misery. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail, suffice it to say that when things got really bad, I basically shut down and prayed to get run over by a bus on a daily basis. I probably should have called it quits, but when I said, “I do”, I made a promise, and I once I make a promise, I don’t break it. Beyond that, I never wanted to admit my marriage was a failure. I got into a mindset where I’d take a good look at myself in the mirror, throw water on my face, and tell myself, “Yesterday sucked, but maybe today will be better!”

Not that it ever did.

When I realized that my wife had been cheating on me, I felt like a death row inmate who just found out he’d been declared innocent and released from prison. Sure, it still hurt me that my wife was unfaithful, but I got over it fairly quickly. Thank God for Guinness!

As for the first time I had my heart broken…. That’s an entirely different story altogether.

At the tender age of twenty-three, I met my soulmate. She was my honest to God, one true love. No bullshit. I know, you’re probably wondering how I know this person is my soulmate. I could probably take the time to tell you the whole story, but I won’t. I’ve told it so many times, I feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother. Not going there again.

The short version is, at one point in my life, I answered the call of fate and flew halfway around the world to meet a girl I fell hard for. How hard? I’ll put it to you this way: Try to imagine being shot from a cannon on the moon with rockets strapped to your ankles and your target was a volcano that had a straight path down to the center to the earth, then you’re bore the rest of the way through miles and miles of solid rock, only to surface head-first in a toilet bowl somewhere in China between the legs of some guy taking a wicked dump.

Keep in mind, that description pales in comparison to what I felt in my heart for her. My soulmate, her name is Kathee- Every moment with her was like… Jesus… what can I compare it to? Think of the happiest day of your entire life, combine it with that feeling of first love, and the moment you climax from having the best sex of your life, and it STILL wouldn’t come close.

From the moment we met, it was as if I had known her my whole life. We had a bond that couldn’t be broken by time, distance or circumstance. Whenever I looked into her eyes, it was like looking into Heaven. I know how corny that sounds, but it’s the truth. And I haven’t felt the same way towards anyone- before or since.

Despite having what Kathee called ‘movie love’ between us, it couldn’t keep us together. While our love may have perfect, we were still two flawed human beings. I’ve never lied about having issues in relationships- I can be neurotic, I over-think things, and I have a tendency to question it even when it’s going good. However, when Kathee and I were together, it never mattered. As far as I was concerned, she was the missing piece in the puzzle.

For Kathee’s part, although I know she loved me just as much, her inner demons had a far stronger hold on her than mine did on me. When things got really serious between us, too many outside factors- her friends and family, her fears and insecurities, began to erode our relationship and make her question it to the point where something inside her broke. Which, in turn, broke us apart.

Prodded by her friends, she ended up cheating on me with some wheezing mouth-breather named Billy.

I never really understood her reasons why she did what she did. Even with all my questions and doubts, I was always sure of us, of how I felt. My doubts were always centered on my ability to be a good boyfriend. Since Kathee and I broke up, we’ve been able to stay friends, though she’s never given me a good explanation as to why she cheated on me. She claims it wasn’t anything I did to drive her away- she says it had something to do with her wanting to get revenge on a friend by sleeping with a guy she had a thing for, which makes ZERO sense to me.

I mean, why would you bother if you were already in a relationship with somebody who adores you? What does that say about the type of person you are? Why would you hurt somebody you supposedly love just to hurt someone you hate?

Not that it matters anymore. I’ve let that anger go.

When I found out what she had done, I was beyond devastated. I was demolished, body, mind, heart, and soul. It was like I had been hollowed out while being repeatedly kicked in the balls. The first year after that was a lucid nightmare I could neither escape nor wake up from. Every time I closed my eyes, I re-lived our break up in my mind and my heart got ripped out again and again and again. Sometimes I thought the only way I’d ever stop thinking about it was by putting a bullet through my brain. In the end, alcohol served me just as well. I walked around feeling like I had a razor-sharp shard of ice in place of a heart, and it stayed there for ten long years.

Tell me- how the Hell do you get over being kicked out of Heaven? Nothing in life has ever hurt as much as losing my soulmate. I’ve broken bones, I’ve gotten into fights, endured more physical pain than most people can stand, and nothing comes close to that hurt in my heart. Not one damn thing. I loved her with every corpuscle of blood in my body, and she walked away like it was nothing. Sometimes I think it would have been far kinder to kill me, because no one should EVER have to go through what I did. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, not even Donald Trump.

I mean, if Hell exists and I happen to get sent there, I’m gonna go down with a huge smile on my face in the knowledge that there is absolutely nothing Satan can do to me that hasn’t already been done.

Enough time has passed where I’ve managed to move on, but as much as I hate to admit it, there are still echoes of that heartbreak ringing in my mind. I guess you can understand why I’m reluctant to fall in love again. I don’t even know if I can. I’ve never told any of this to Kathee- what would it solve? She can never make up for what she did to me, and saying ‘sorry’ wouldn’t begin to cover it. There are simply some things you cannot come back from.

So, yeah- Sandra was right. Cheating sucks.

For anyone reading this, do me a favor- before you do anything, go home, take a long, hard look at your wife or girlfriend, and try to remember what it is about them you love. Focus on it. Then think long and hard if you want to be the kind of person who hurts somebody by breaking the trust and love they have for you. Try to imagine how it feels to be betrayed like that.

If you’re still willing to cheat, then you’re not worthy of their love. Congratulations, you’ve just learned how to cheat and get away with it.

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