Relationships are often a series of give and take scenarios. Rarely do things line up in which each partner is 100% satisfied with how things are going. And, often the longer you are with somebody the more your desires diverge. This is a problem for some when there are two different libidos at play. Where one partner dreams of a fun and exciting intimate evening, and the other dreams of a quiet night in front of the TV. Sometimes it’s not a problem as libidos can come and go.
When it does become a problem is when it is not a one time or chance thing but the two partners have libidos that are opposite of each other. There are ways to still salvage the relationship even before you go ahead and seek to get help from a sex-positive therapist. In this article, I will go over some ideas to help you still enjoy the relationship even if your sex drives don’t frequently line up.
Communication Is Key
One of the biggest reasons that couples struggle with intimacy is that there is a communications breakdown. When couples can communicate their needs and desires without judgement then usually there is a way to make sure that both sides get satisfaction.
Sex is a sensitive subject and even partners that trust each other have trouble discussing their needs. It often comes from a feeling of shame for having certain desires. And even the partner that has a low sex drive may also feel judged for not providing for the needs of the other and struggles to clarify how they feel about sex.
The only way to save a marriage in which one partner has a high sex drive and the other doesn’t is to make sure that you are able to be open and honest with each other.
Be able to listen to your partner’s thoughts about sex and intimacy without any judement or shaming. Then, try to find areas where you can come together and work from that point.
Find Your Moment
If you are the one with the low libido then you likely have a million reasons to not have sex while your partner is always ready to go. It’s likely that external circumstances are leading to your low sex drive and this is where you have some control.
Try to figure out the times when you are not busy with work or other responsibilities and may have more energy then you normally do and see if you can direct your mind towards sex or intimacy.
You might not be able to match your partner’s intensity at all times, but if you can figure out those times when you come close then you can see if there is a way to schedule some intimate time together.
Be Non-Sexually Intimate
intimacy can be a barrier that has to be breached to get back on the same page sexually. Usually sex drives fade because there is a lack of other types of intimacy. If you rarely kiss, hug or caress with affection then it is likely that you are going to start having less sex. This might be fine for the one that doesn’t have as much desire but can really affect the more sexual of the partners.
Schedule some time for intimacy that doesn’t have to include sex. A bath together is relaxing and forces you to touch each other. A massage is a good way to transmit your affection for each other through touch. And a romantic stroll holding hands is a good way to spark some intimacy.
This takes the focus off of sex which can add pressure to the situation. Maybe it evolves and you become sexual, but the point is not to expect anything aside from some quality time together.
See a Therapist
If you feel the divide is too great to be bridged on your own then it is time to bring in a professional. A couple’s therapist will be able to identify some of the problems that are causing this division and give you the tools to overcome it. They might even realize that your condition is physiological and send you to a medical professional that can be of help.
This can be the last or first step, but it is never a bad idea to get therapy to help you in your relationship. With the right attitude, anything can be overcome including two diverging libidos.