There’s no other way to say it, so I’m just going to say it – I’m a screwed up human being.
Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I can’t ever remember a time when I felt like a normal human being. Not that it really mattered to me. Normal people kinda suck. I guess the hardest part for me was finding someone who cared enough to look past the weirdness and see what was in my heart.
In a way, I think my whole life has centered around finding the mythical ‘one’ – otherwise known as the love of my life. Now that I think about it, I remember a lot of nights when I’d be lying in my bed, wondering if she was out there and thinking of me. I know how that sounds coming from a guy; everyone reading this is probably wondering if I have my nutsack tucked back. What can I tell you? I’m a romantic.
I think I’ve always been something of a romantic. Given that I’m a writer, I sort of have to be. It’s almost a job requirement.
The only problem is, being a romantic is pointless when you don’t have anyone to be romantic with.
When I was in high school, a lot of my friends would come up to me and ask for advice because I always knew the right thing to say. Soon after, I began writing love letters for their girlfriends so they could score. It never helped me any, though. High school girls never seemed to interest me very much. They couldn’t stimulate me intellectually. It was pretty much the same in college.
It wasn’t until a trip abroad where everything changed. I met someone who would change everything I thought I knew about love. She completely rocked my world. Every single moment we were together was like nothing I had ever known, before and even years later. I thought of her as my soulmate – you know, that perfect love everyone dreams of, where time stops and that person becomes your entire world.
But here’s the thing that nobody ever tells you about meeting your soulmate – you don’t get to pick them. Fate is what brings you together, and destiny is what is supposed keep you together. However, since humans are imperfect and have free will, things are going to get screwed up. Which is what happened in my case. My soulmate and I were too young and too inexperienced to deal with the emotions we were confronted with, and it all fell apart. Our connection never went away, and though it still binds our lives together in a way I’ll never quite understand, we have both moved on with our lives.
I don’t mind telling you, it’s made my dating life a living Hell. While I freely admit that I spent a good portion of my twenties pining away for what I lost, I still kept putting myself out there in the hopes that maybe I could find that kind of connection with somebody else. Not that I ever did. And believe me – I looked.
After one disastrous marriage and several missteps, I ended up falling for one of my best friends, but that pretty much blew up in my face due to lousy timing and a few misunderstandings that were beyond my control.
And yet, I haven’t given up. I know ‘the one’ is out there.
I know what you’re probably thinking – “If you’ve already met your soulmate, then by definition, isn’t whoever comes next going to be second best?”
Here’s my answer to that. If I met someone with whom I fell madly in love with, I would be completely honest about my past and tell her that it has no hold over me anymore. I’d tell her that my heart, once broken and shattered to pieces, is hers to love and heal. That there is no going back and I am hers, completely. I’d do my damndest to prove it every single day for the rest of my life. That every single word written from then on would be for her. I’d make that promise and keep it no matter what.
So why am I telling you any of this? Why am I saying it here? Probably because I can’t think of a better place to launch this wish into the universe. I know it’s gonna get heard.
Somewhere, there’s a woman who is reading this, and my words are gonna touch her heart. She’s gonna realize that she inspired me to write these words. And once I find her, there ain’t going to be a damned thing to stop me from making my dreams a reality.
There’s a song lyric that has always stuck with me, mostly because it became my mantra to not give up my search for the woman of my dreams – “Though I don’t understand the meaning of love, I do not mind if I die trying.”
And I don’t.