“What do I have to do to get you to write for me?”
Picture a beautiful woman asking you this question. Then imagine the question is being asked from a voice that sounds like gossamer velvet. A million possibilities would run through your mind, from the incredibly gallant to the wickedly perverse. What would you say?
You know what, why don’t we put that on hold for the moment? Let’s review how we got to this point.
Please allow me to introduce myself- my name is Gregory B. Gonzalez, the self-styled ‘asshole with a heart of gold’. If you have no idea what that means, I’m not going to spoil the surprise. You’ll find out in due time. Anyway, I’m a blogger whose work can be found on another website called madmikesamerica.com, where I write about politics, humor, and other things I find highly illogical.
That being said, what am I doing here writing for a lifestyle and relationship blog? To be honest, I’m still trying to figure that one out myself. My lifestyle is spent avoiding the general public at large and my relationships tend to gravitate towards the one-night stand and friends with benefits variety. So anything I have to say on either subject probably isn’t going to be very inspiring to you. Unless you’re the shallow type who enjoys a cheap laugh or needs some advice on how to get laid.
The funny thing is, Anne is a huge fan of my work, so when she asked me to write for her, I couldn’t say no. Hell, she could have asked me to wash and wax her car, and I probably would have done that, too! Oh, come on- don’t roll your eyes at me! You’ve seen the girl’s pictures. She’s so hot she has guys lined up to give her fluffy little dog a bath, for God’s sake! At least I’m not being hypocritical!
I find it hysterical Anne is a huge fan, mostly due to the fact that my work is so far a field of what she writes. She likes to tell me that what I write is what she only wishes she could say out loud, which I find almost laughable because she’s nothing like me in attitude or perspective. Then again, maybe she has a dark side that never sees the light of day. God help us if it ever gets out!
When I asked Anne what she wanted me to write about, she said she didn’t care as long as I remained true to who I am. I was like, “Are you sure? I can get pretty raunchy and raw when I want to.” She replied, “No, it’s fine- that’s what I want.” In my head, I was like, “Let’s not hope you don’t regret that decision down the line!”
So, we’re back to Anne asking me the question- “What do I have to do to get you to write for me?”
A million possibilities ran through my mind. If I’m being honest, not all of them were noble and pure. But I’d never be crass enough to bring any of it up. Anne is such a sweet person, and I could never demean her like that. There were certain things I asked for initially, compensation-wise, but I never really thought she’d go along with any of my requests. I was more or less just feeling her out. I’m not a greedy person, so money or rewards don’t mean a whole lot to me.
I ended up saying, “Why don’t we just play it by ear and see where it goes?” After all, for all I know, you people will end up hating me. Not like it really matters, you know what they say about opinions and assholes.
Those words still echo through my skull: “What do I have to do to get you write for me?”
As I write this, I’m closing my eyes and visualizing Anne in my mind and hearing her laughing at my jokes. And I’m smiling. I know exactly why I’m doing this.
To answer her question- All she ever had to do was say, “Please.”