Every word that seemed to utter out of Ricky’s beautiful mouth was more beautiful than the next. He liked me, and he seemed to clearly be accepting me for who I am, and without judging me for being open about my past. Like I said before, he had “a soul.”
As we made our way back to the parking lot where we had both parked, Ricky walked me to my car. But before I could open the door, he piercingly looked in my direction, trying to lock eyes with mine until they’d connect. He then ever so gently took my hands and pulled them towards him, placing them around his waist, while moving his other hand around my shoulder to pull me in closer, to which I thought was an attempt to hug me, but I was wrong. He pulled me in closer to him, but just close enough so that we’d linger in that moment looking at each other. He then moved his hand towards the back of my head, grabbing a portion of my long hair, enough for me to feel the tension rising and building between us. He looked in my eyes, still only a few inches apart, and yet the closest that I’ve ever felt to another human being in my life, and then he kissed me.
A kiss that I’ll never forget…
My heart was pounding. His heart too, and pressed right next to mine, as if we were one being. I swear, I could hear music playing. Something straight out of heaven, like the breathing angel noises from Joshua Radin and Maria Taylor’s “When You Find Me.” It was the perfect first kiss with the perfect man, and I wanted him to be mine, and only mine. Ricky had a power over me, as if at that very moment when our lips met, he could either provide every bit of happiness that I’ve ever longed for and dreamed of, or he could take it away in an instant, leaving me in dismay, with just a mere taste of happiness, empty, and longing eternally. I had no idea what was in store for us or if we’d even get to experience an “us.” All I knew was that I was ready for whatever, as long as it involved Ricky being with me forever.
As time passed, and we had dated for a period of three months, I was in heaven for the most part, but it still took putting effort, time, and patience into play. We were waiting to be intimate until we both knew that our feelings were based on what we’d referred to as “a solid and strong foundation.” And besides, every time we seemed to try to get closer on an intimate level, he would feel as if I wasn’t emotionally ready for intimacy, or perhaps because I wasn’t passionately into him enough or as much as I’d proclaimed to be. And although he was wrong, and I felt completely open to him, I was somewhat aware that he most likely fed off of the fear that I was feeling and emanating. I was still afraid that getting too close too quickly would mess things up. And he was the best thing that I’ve ever known or experienced in my life, so I didn’t want to risk damaging what we had and what we were building.
The problem though, was that, despite my fear of being intimate too soon with Ricky, I still longed and yearned for his touch and embrace. But it was getting to the point where if it didn’t happen soon, he would likely think that I was some bland type of cold fish or something. And although he didn’t pressure me to get close or to do things that I didn’t want or more so, that I wasn’t ready for, I felt an internal struggle, because truthfully, I wanted to be intimate with him and make the most passionate love together. I wanted nothing more than to touch his silky, smooth skin and run my hands all up and down his perfectly sculpted body. I was dying to feel what it would be like to be with Ricky in the closest way possible, and to feel him all throughout my body, and even more so than I already had. But I just couldn’t break through my walls, and despite letting my guards down emotionally, this was one guard that was still up.
I didn’t want to kill the moment or the mood and destroy the potential of how great it could be when we decided to become intimate, so I felt like communicating with Ricky about how I was really feeling inside, could end up backfiring. I felt like, the only way to get through this issue was to force myself to face this fear. Besides, it wasn’t really a fear so to speak—I was just afraid of being intimate with him too soon and messing everything up. Even the thought of being intimate with Ricky excited me. I was actually kind of surprised that we’d been together for this long, yet not embracing one another fully and completely as we’d both desired. And I’m glad that he never pushed the issue, or even acknowledged there to be one. So I figured, That’s it, if I’m in, I’m in, and letting these ridiculous thoughts and over-thinking things to this extent can’t possibly help our situation. It was time to let go of my fears and be one with Ricky.
Having said that, I figured that I’d still let Ricky take the lead, only I had to figure out some way to entice him or let him know that I was ready. And it was definitely harder, being that we didn’t live together or anything like that, so I knew that I’d have to be a little savvy as far as how I’d go about it.
I couldn’t help but to think—even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t over-think, but Ricky might not feel worthy of my love. It started dawning on me that maybe it wasn’t me after all, and maybe I wasn’t the actual reason that we weren’t being intimate. Maybe it was actually Ricky that was holding off because he wasn’t ready. I mean, he didn’t come onto me that much. How could I not see it before? After all, Ricky is the one that doubts my love and affection for him to the point where he’d question whether I actually loved him or not, because I know that I do—It’s Ricky that doesn’t know or believe me. Ricky is the one that doesn’t feel worthy of my love and affection.
Great epiphany—now what?
After having this whole new epiphany, I started having a brand new perspective on being intimate together. Maybe communication was necessary after all. Perhaps not in regards to intimacy, but at least we should be able to communicate our feelings to one another, by being very direct and to the point. Maybe Ricky would feel worthy of my love and affection if I was actually intimate with him. But I suppose that still leads me to the same place where I was already going—so, back to enticing Ricky.
I figured, Sure, there are the regular, old simple methods of wearing lingerie and a sexy little get up. But then there are things that I could do like giving him a back massage or offering to cook him a romantic candlelight dinner, and perhaps I could set the mood with some nice tunes. Music was definitely a connection that Ricky and I shared, and I’m sure that I could swoon him with some beautiful romantic melodies. And if that didn’t work, I could invite him over to my place, and answer the door in a sexy bathrobe, with my hair soaking wet, after having just come out of the shower, and then accidentally, “Hello Alana’s breast,” peeking its way out through my robe, leaving him with thoughts of things he could do with me.
O.K., so maybe I was thinking about it too much. I mean, how hard could it be to turn him on or entice him, right? After all, I was a sexy woman, and it’s not like I was a virgin or anything, so it shouldn’t have been such a big deal. “Oh, why do I do this to myself.” I fretted. Maybe I’ll just wait and let things happen naturally. All of my over-thinking was starting to torment me on such a level that I started fearing that I might not end up enjoying being intimate with Ricky if and when it did happen.