“Alana, I’m sorry that I didn’t let you know sooner, but can you please not make this such a big deal? Can we please be at peace with one another, so I don’t have to leave on a bad note or anything? I’d really like to leave in a way that we’re not on bad terms, O.K.? Are we cool?” Pleaded Ricky.
“O.K. Ricky, I don’t really know what else to say, I guess. Have a safe trip. I’ll miss you.”
He told me that he loved me, and I faintly responded back, “I love you too.”
Trying to hold back my tears, and knowing me, I felt the world crashing in. I was full of anxiety, and I knew that I’d be over-thinking things once again, but peradventure this time, much bigger things. Knowing how horrific my previous relationship was, I didn’t want to be the only one that wanted to make things work. And if he was unwilling to communicate his feelings with me, what more could I do? I tried to go back to sleep after we hung up, but I couldn’t cease trying to figure out why he was leaving in the first place, and what exactly he seemed to be running away from.
“Was it me?” I thought.
I started feeling guilty and tormenting myself to the point that I felt that I was to blame for why Ricky left, I thought that maybe I should give Helen a call. Ricky’s sister always had a way of talking that made me feel better, and maybe she knew what was going on, and why Ricky would just get up and leave out of nowhere.
I laid in my bed for the next hour or so, gazing over at the clock, waiting to call Helen so that I wouldn’t wake her up when I’d call. I was never a big fan of asking other people for advice on my relationships, because it just made me more anxious when I didn’t agree with their suggestions. But maybe Helen would be different, being that she’s Ricky’s sister and all.
I waited as much as I could, and it was about 7:30 AM, so I dialed Helen’s number.
“Hello?” Said Helen.
“Hi Helen, it’s Alana.”
“Oh, Hi Alana. How are you?”
“Do you have a few minutes to chat? I had some concerns and honestly, I just feel really worried about what’s going on with Ricky and me.” I asked.
“Of course,” she said. “What’s up?”
“Did you know that Ricky was going out of town today?” I asked.
Helen responded, “Yes, he told me.”
I said, “Well, he didn’t tell me until this morning, and I really don’t know why. I just feel like something I’m doing is bothering him and I don’t really understand why he won’t communicate his feelings to me or what it is.”
She responded, “You sound really upset, and I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Look, I want to be a good friend to you, but I think that you guys need to communicate when he gets back. I think that he’s having certain doubts, and hopefully you guys will be able to sort it all out. But there’s really not much else that I can say right now, other than maybe to distract yourself, and if you want, we can go out so you can take your mind off of everything.”
“O.K., thanks. Well, I woke up kinda early, so maybe I’ll just kick back and relax at home for now. But it would be nice to see you again soon.” I said, while choking on my reply.
“Hey, are you O.K.?” She asked, sounding concerned.
I replied, “Yeah, I’m all right, thanks. I’ll be O.K. I’m just gonna try not to think about everything so much.”
“I think that that’s probably the best idea, and hopefully when Ricky comes back into town from Paris, he’ll be in a much better place and be able to communicate with you. You deserve that.”
“Yeah, I hope so… I really love him.” I said, as I was holding back my tears.
“Wait… what the fuck?” I thought. “I deserve that?” What the hell did she mean by that? Was Ricky going to be breaking up with me?
We hung up the phone, and although I thought I’d feel better after talking with Helen, I unfortunately felt much worse.
I mean, how was it that I felt like our relationship was so great, if Ricky was feeling so miserable? How long had he been feeling this way? And have I been so selfish or was I just completely oblivious and out of touch with reality this whole time? And what’s this “I love you” nonsense alas, if he didn’t mean it. Maybe I’d been a fool this whole time.
My mind felt like it was on jet skis, and I was left with endless unanswered questions.