There are many articles out there that I’ve written and that others have written that list many of the top qualities that one can hope to find in a match. Whether you’re a man or a woman, there’s one quality that can be incredibly appealing, but when it isn’t present, it can actually be a bit of a turn-off. This quality I’m referring to is confidence.
There’s a big difference between being confident from being arrogant. Ego is ugly, hubris statements can be a turn-off, and people who are just downright rude and arrogant can completely kill one’s interest. Having said that, there’s also a big difference between being insecure and being humble. You see, being insecure means that you’re not confident, that you don’t know your self-worth, and that you don’t see yourself in a loving, deserving, and accepting manner. As well, it means that you simply don’t see yourself in an optimistic and beautiful light. But rather, you pick on yourself or you find the negative in all that you are. It’s even possible that you’re a perfectionist to an extreme and unhealthy manner, where you put yourself down because you’re not matching up to the idea you’ve created of what perfection should be, delusional or not.
Being humble is a beautiful thing. However, the ideal package is being confident and being humble. This combination is like fire and very appealing when it comes to finding your match or even being someone else’s match. And in the same manner that no one wants to be with someone that’s incredibly arrogant or stuck up and rude, no one wants to be with someone who’s insecure, or who puts themselves down all of the time. Simply put, it makes them look bad. I mean think about it, there’s a damn good reason why people say that you should love yourself first, and that how can someone love you if you don’t even love you. The reason is that it’s true! And to be honest, there are many phrases as such that simply repeat the same thing over and over, in different ways.
Show people and prove to the world how great you are. Feel it! Feel it so much, believe it, and show the world because you believe it to be true. Don’t become like these people on social media who create such an immensely fake world that looks so good on the outside, but on the inside, it’s all messed up. Remember, work on yourself on the inside first, then on the outside when it comes to confidence and feeling good about yourself. Now, that doesn’t mean that in many other aspects feeling good can’t be created by exterior things or that you can’t make yourself look good and then you’ll feel good. On the contrary, you definitely can! However, when it comes to confidence, deep down in your core, you have to believe it’s true and know that you are truly worth a great deal, that you’re beautiful inside and out, as well as smart, and wonderful for all of your different and unique ways.
We need to learn to love ourselves, to accept our imperfections, view them as beautiful and special, ahem, and to stop viewing even the word “special” as bad too while we’re at it. We need to work on improving things that we can, but without expecting things to result in perfection. Love the way you look and the way God made you. We are all unique and different in every way. But we need to start being thankful for all of our beautiful gifts that make us so very unique. Some of us are better at some things, while other people are better at other things. And that’s one of the beautiful things about being so unique because we all bring different things to the table, we all have different things to offer in life, as well as to a partner.
Nothing and no one is perfect. There’s no such thing. But when we put ourselves down, it not only looks bad to other people but it stunts our growth towards loving and accepting ourselves. And in case you’re unaware, accepting and loving ourselves is something that for many of us, it’s very hard to improve on and to believe, depending on a lot of factors, from how you might’ve been raised, whether you were cared for or not, shown affection, as well as if you’d experienced childhood bullying, cyberbullying at any age, as well as many other possible factors.
Recently, I’ve noticed that some people who I found to be so incredibly beautiful inside and out, put themselves down on a physical level, and it made me think. But it not only made me think for a moment, it made me remember something from my own past experience from back when I was a child. I remembered having a couple of girlfriends who were pretty thin like me. We were around maybe 14 or 15 years old, I don’t recall.
We would put ourselves down publicly saying how fat we were, and perhaps on a subconscious level, I knew that it wasn’t healthy to be putting myself down or for them to either. But I suppose, at the time I didn’t think much of it, and for whatever reason, we would find the negative things about ourselves and verbally say them out loud. And I bet you’re wondering why I’m elaborating so much about this embarrassing or what might be viewed as a shameful moment in my childhood—or not. However, the reason is that one day, some young boy overheard the three of us girls laughing and giggling, but at the same time, putting ourselves down about how fat we looked. He spoke up and said something. And he had to have been around the same age, so good for him and thank you.
He said why don’t you guys love yourselves and stop putting yourselves down so much. And maybe it was the way that he said it, more than just having an outsider tell us what we probably already knew, or at least should’ve known. But for whatever reason, it hit home for me, clearly never forgot what that one boy said, and it affected me.
Perhaps for me personally, I think a part of me picked on myself because I was afraid of loving myself too much and coming across as arrogant. I mean even at a young age, I had people telling my parents a good amount how freaking adorable I was—and yes I’m smiling as I write this. I simply felt as if it would go to my head, and that I’d become arrogant, truly ugly, or that if I thought I was pretty, then sometimes, others were mean to me growing up and how do I put this, they would put me in my place and make it clear that I didn’t look good, I was too thin, a geek, a loser, or that my awkward ways and silly or playful personality was annoying or something, I don’t know.
The point is that I had many different reasons why I felt bad about myself at times or even publicly acted as if I did even when at times, I didn’t. It doesn’t even matter the reasons why, because at the end of the day, one can easily start believing negative thoughts and words, regardless of the initial intent or reasoning. And believe me, I actually started thinking I was fat after repeating it so much with those girls.
From that day forward, when that boy spoke up, he basically put me in check. He made me become more aware and he truly opened up my mind. I realized how bad it was to put myself down, to pick on the negative things or the things that made me so different, or should I say, unique than other people. To this day, I still have to try in this regard. But I’m also more self-aware now, so I try to stop the negative self-talk and kill the thought when I realize what I’m doing.
If you’re the type of person who’s really hard on yourself or if you notice that you keep on picking on your imperfections or on things that you’re trying to improve for yourself, take a deep breath, slowly exhale, and don’t put yourself down anymore. Think good thoughts, believe them and give yourself a pat on the back once in a while. Feel good and compliment yourself, rather than put yourself down. I think we all have good days and bad days, and some days we all simply feel better about ourselves than on others. But it’s important to work on improving yourself and to try to be more aware of your thoughts and about how kind you’re being to yourself whether in private or in public.
The way that confidence exhibits itself will be easily seen by how we carry ourselves, but ultimately, by how we truly feel about ourselves. If we put ourselves down all of the time, then we’re likely going to slouch, rather than stand up straight. As well, we’re bound to feel inadequate in many ways whether in work, in social situations, and even when it comes to finding the right partner in life. When we put ourselves down a lot, we’re not only coming across as insecure, but it will be harder and harder to change our negative way of thinking because it will become a habit and almost as if it’s second nature to put ourselves down. So please be kind to yourself, feel good, love and accept yourself, and know that you are worthy of love.