10 Easy Ways to Know That Someone Is Emotionally Unavailable


The most beautiful people that I’ve met are the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves. It’s so much easier when you don’t have to dig, in order to find out how someone feels. Dating and relationships can go so much smoother, when people are direct and tell each other how they really feel. Who has the time or the desire to experience such an unnecessary roller coaster ride. I find that being emotionally unavailable just leads to heartache within yourself and others.

From what I’ve seen, people that I’ve come across who have been emotionally unavailable were the loneliest and most miserable people ever. They had low self-esteem and despite their apparent success in their line of work, social life, etc., their views on love were nothing short of unreasonable and unattainable. Many emotionally unavailable people are motivated and driven at work. Many of them have the desire for wanting marriage, children, and a beautiful future with someone special. As well, many of them are comfortable in social situations, dating, and having relationships. The problem is that they’re still emotionally unavailable.

Here’s a short list of some ways to tell when someone is emotionally unavailable or commitment-phobic:

1. They might possibly be hot and cold as far as how they feel about you, but they’re definitely hot and cold about wanting or staying in a relationship with you.

2. They seem very into you, want to spend a lot of time with you, and then they suddenly distance themselves from you for no reason. They become wishy-washy.

3. They avoid serious topics about commitment, relationships, marriage, children, or possibly even family functions.

4. They love you and wants to be with you more than anything, but won’t commit to dating you for many reasons. Then, they change their mind and come back to date you (on and off).

5. Everything is going well with the two of you and suddenly, they leave when you start talking about having a relationship or something more serious. They basically do the “disappearing act.”

6. They never communicate their feelings.

7. They seem very indecisive about wanting to be with you. They can’t make up their mind.

8. You seem to be the only one giving in the relationship.

9. They’re very mysterious about their whereabouts and things they do on a daily basis. They don’t seem to share too much about what goes on in their life. It’s almost as if they’re leading a “double life.”

10. They completely avoid confrontation.

When you see some of the signs that you’re dating (or in a relationship with) an emotionally unavailable person, the best advice I can tell you is to… Run! Don’t walk away, run! Every emotionally unavailable person knows when they’re emotionally unavailable. People show signs of being emotionally unavailable usually when they date someone too quickly after a breakup. Many times, people who are emotionally unavailable are that way because they still have residual feelings for someone else.

As well, being emotionally unavailable can come from how a person was raised. It can come from how much love and nurture their parents showed to them and the amount of affection they witnessed in the home. Some parents can be very cold and don’t express their love to their spouses. They never flirt in front of their kids, etc. Some parents display many flirtations with their spouses in front of their kids. It can truly affect the way a child expresses their love, shows their emotions, and how they act in their future.

When a child witnesses a lot of passion and love from their parents, then they grow up thinking that it’s okay to show a certain amount of affection in front of people. As well, they feel that it’s okay to express their feelings to their partner. As far as kids that were raised with parents that were more on the cold side or didn’t show much emotion, the children could possibly grow up thinking it’s better to hide your feelings and not express yourself. They may even feel that something is wrong with expressing your feelings to someone.

I personally think that it’s a beautiful thing when parents show a certain amount of healthy affection in front of their kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I think it’s okay to have a make-out session in front of your kids. I’m simply saying it’s okay to give a smile, a wink, hold hands, cuddle, or give a hug/kiss to your spouse in front of your kids. I think it can be quite adorable. To people who never got to see something like that growing up, I think they truly missed out.

People become emotionally unavailable for many reasons. It’s possible that an emotionally unavailable person is looking for a perfect match as if perfection existed. They simply won’t commit to anyone, until they find exactly what they’re looking for. They want everything in one person. Despite what some people think, you cannot have everything in one person. Never date someone that’s emotionally unavailable. If someone is recently out of a relationship, a marriage, or separated even, they’re going to need time to heal on their own.

I would never recommend dating someone until they’re fully emotionally available. You have to risk getting hurt to fall in love. You have to have an open heart. If you’re emotionally unavailable, that means that your heart is closed. There’s no in-between in that statement. When your heart is closed, you cannot fall in love with someone. I’m not saying to risk all of your feelings for someone when you need time to be sure they’re the right match for you. However, I’m saying that you should keep your heart open, just enough so that you’re able to fall in love.

Many people date and even have short relationships with people who they’d consider to be a “rebound person.” As if, having a “rebound person” will help them get over all of the hurt from their previous relationship. At that point, they feel that they can actually move on and look for their true love. What a bunch of crap! Some people are so selfish that they put others through pain, in order to feel good themselves. I find this to be one of the most selfish acts of mankind. No one wants to get hurt. Be selfless and kind to other people. Think of others’ feelings before you date someone, knowing that you’re in an emotionally unavailable state. Give yourself time to heal and then come out and look for a new partner (when you know you’re ready).

Anne Cohen
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