When I was growing up, many of the women around me made checklists of what they wanted in their future husband. These lists usually included the usual physical attributes, and while these varied, I would sum them up for all these women as wanting an extremely attractive, possibly non-existent man.

The other items on the list usually pertained to wealth and stability: a nice house, expensive vehicle, well-educated, high-income earner, etc.

And of course, he also had to be great with kids, very gentle and loving. A family man who had a rugged side, but that only showed through when it was convenient and pleased her.

That’s quite the list, isn’t it?

This is the list of things these ladies thought they deserved, or at least a good majority presented this list in those terms. 

The very first thing you need to do in order to get what you deserve in a relationship is recognize there is a difference between getting what you want and getting what you deserve.

It’s very easy to have a huge list of what we want, and to a certain extent it is fine to idealize, but at some point, you need to have a mature understanding of what it takes to attract the kind of mate you want or think you deserve.

In order for this to happen, it often requires YOU to be the one to make the changes in your own life.

You want a man to love you who has good morals and character? You need to be the kind of person a man like that would be looking for in a wife.

You want a man to love you who is a hard worker and respects women? Be a respectable woman who lives her life in such a way that anyone can tell she values hard work.

Of course, it isn’t always this cut and dry, but here is the bottom line: in order to attract a “high value” person, you need to be a “high value” person. This doesn’t necessarily equate to sexual market value, although sometimes it does. It also doesn’t always mean you are high value in the same things, but overall your value is on the same level. Often times I’ve seen people who notice a couple in public and exclaim, “What is she doing with him? She’s gorgeous and he is gross.”

Leaving aside the fact that I think those statements are rude, usually this means that the woman has a high value in sexual attractiveness and the man has a high value in something else (wealth, intellect, etc).

All that said, in order to get what you want, or think you deserve in a relationship, you need to work on yourself. Getting what you deserve isn’t about sitting there whining, wondering why the type of guy you want isn’t looking your way. It is about recognizing that there is a pre-existing equilibrium in the world of dating that pairs of us all with people of “value” similar to our own.

Just a quick note: If you are someone who has gone through abuse, you will likely undervalue yourself and other abusers will see the signs of this and try to take advantage of that. The best way to combat this is to recognize this possibility and work on seeing yourself as valuable!

Make yourself a person of value, through taking care of your resources, body, mind and spirit and the results will follow.