Compromising vs. Changing People



For those that have experienced the dating scene for some time, I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the good and the bad, and sometimes even the ugly. Dating is something that we do in order to find our best possible match, and when we feel that there’s enough potential with someone, we explore an exclusive relationship. One of the biggest problems that I’ve seen when couples date or explore new relationships with someone is that they try to change them so that they’d be a better match for one another. 

There’s a big difference between changing someone and knowing how and when to compromise. You shouldn’t have to compromise who you are as a person, how you look, or even on things that are important to you when it comes to your morals and values. It’s important to pick the best match for you, and without compromising yourself, even though compromising in relationships is imperative. And although compromising is essential, it doesn’t mean that you should compromise you.

Have you ever tried forcing a key into a keyhole when it almost works, but doesn’t? I’m sure that most of us at some point or another have had two keys on a keyring that looked completely similar, but we made to open different things. It can be confusing, which is why we usually label them or mark them in some way so that we can tell the difference. Let’s assume that they’re not marked; Each key will only work towards opening what it was intended to unlock. 

There are many reasons why a key might not turn and open a lock. The reason: The keyhole is either broken, which you can compare to an emotionally unavailable person or someone with baggage and wounds that aren’t healed from previous situations, or the key or the keyhole isn’t compatible and aren’t made for each other. The right key works for the right lock. Just like people and relationships. A key should naturally go into a keyhole, and be able to unlock a door, turn an ignition, or whatever it is, but without having to force it. If you force it, not only won’t it work but sometimes, it might even break. 

One of the biggest parts of compromising when you’re dating someone or in a relationship is knowing the difference between things that are important and must-haves, from things that are less important and are more so, things that would be nice to have. It’s imperative to develop great communication early on and from the get-go. If you find that you’re unable to communicate nicely and comfortably with a person from the very beginning, you’re going to have to develop better communication with one another, but if your communication is that bad early on, it might actually be because you’re with the wrong match.

Communication Is Everything

If you’re unable to talk to one another, where you both feel heard, you’re not going to be happy, and your relationship isn’t going to work. In order to be able to compromise with your partner on certain issues, you have to be able to communicate with them and find out their likes and dislikes, even if you don’t agree on everything—which is likely because no two people are the same. You need to have an idea of what’s most important to you and find out whether your partner is on the same page as you as far as those things.

During the early dating period, your conversation should flow, feel natural, and not feel as if you have to force things or even struggle to get a word in. When you feel as if you have to struggle to get a word in, and you don’t feel that you’re getting a turn to speak or share your thoughts and opinions, something is wrong. We should all be able to express ourselves freely. Being able to talk and share is what good communication is all about. 


Being a relationship takes a certain amount of maturity, because having great communication, means being mature enough to know when to talk, and when to listen. It’s important to feel heard and to be a good listener as well. Express yourself to the person that you’re dating. Let them know how you feel, what you like and what you don’t. And ask your partner the same types of questions that they ask you so that you can see if you’re the best possible match for one another.

If you’re willing and able to compromise on things that aren’t big issues for you, and you find yourself on the same page, then you’ll have a better chance at having a successful, happy, and healthy relationship. But if you see that you’re unable to compromise, or that you have bad communication from the get-go, and the person is closing up or isn’t willing to communicate comfortably with you, you’re basically forcing something to work that you shouldn’t.

An Opportunity to Change Me? I Think Not.

When you’re in a relationship, and even more so when you’re dating someone new, you need to learn a little bit about the person and find out just how compatible you really are. The only way to do that is to ask questions, listen to the person’s answers, and see if their responses will work for you, and are compatible with who you are, and how you think. Learning about someone’s likes and dislikes, and even how they go about living their life, isn’t supposed to be viewed as an opportunity to change them so that you’ll be a better fit for one another.

You’re supposed to get to know a person and learn all about them to see if you’ll be a good match or not. Getting to know someone should never be viewed as an opportunity to change them. When you start changing someone, who they are, how they think, how they look, or what they believe, your relationship ultimately won’t work, even if you feel that it will work at the time. When you feel that you have to change someone, their character, their personality, or any major or above things that I’ve mentioned, you’re not with the right person.

Now, as far as compromising, if you’re not willing to give and take in a relationship, nothing will ever work. You need to be willing to accept a person for who they are, how they think. and embrace your differences, even if you’re not the same in every area. You should want to be the same, but more so, when it comes to things that are important to you. But if you see that you’re not the same in certain areas and on different issues that you find to be deal breakers, don’t change the person.

Who cares if you’re attracted to one another or if there are enough fire and chemistry that you feel your relationship can thrive for a lifetime because it’s not about that. It’s about finding your best possible match in life, and you shouldn’t have to change yourself, your values, beliefs, how you look, or anything else for that matter, if it’s going to take away from who you are at your core.

The right match is going to love you for you, and not try to change you into someone else that will perhaps better suit them. The right man is going to love you, the right woman is going to love you, and your best possible match will not only love you, but they’ll love, adore, and embrace who you are, and on a very deep level. A person should love you for all of the right reasons, and you’ll know it when it’s right because they’ll never try to change you.

Don’t Settle for a Person That Almost Fits

If you want to find the love of your life, be the best version of yourself. Don’t change yourself into some created version of you that someone else wants you to be. Love is being selfless, but it isn’t changing who you are to please someone else, because that would be selfish on the other person’s part. You should never have to force things to work—Especially if things aren’t naturally working.

Forcing things to work, and changing who you are at your core in order to please someone else, is like forcing a puzzle piece next to another one that simply doesn’t fit. That’s not the kind of life that you, me, or anyone desires or should desire. You should want to be with the puzzle piece that will naturally fit next to yours which doesn’t involve using force or having to cut any edges. 
The sooner that you close the door to the wrong person, and one that’s trying to change you—how you look, how you act, how you think, and all else, you’ll be opening yourself up towards finding the person who you’re supposed to be with. 

The person that you’re supposed to be with is going to love you for you, and in no way should you let anyone try to control or change you because that’s going to take a toll on who you are—on your self-confidence and self-esteem. And you might even stick around thinking that it’s O.K. if you’ve developed certain feelings towards them, but you shouldn’t let yourself, because that person isn’t loving you the way that you are or the way that they should be. They’re only open to love you if you change into who they want you to be, and you should never stand for that or settle.

It doesn’t matter how much you might think that you like someone or how attractive someone might seem or even what a great catch they might be because you should be with the right person for you. You should never accept less than being treated with love, decency, respect, and an appreciation for who you are. Love yourself enough not to accept less than what you want, what you deserve, and what feels right for you. And you should never have to experience early drama in a new situation, so if you’re experiencing any type of drama or intensity where you feel heavy anxiety, nervous, or as if you’re forcing things to work, you’re not with the right match. And for those who can relate and feel that they’re in a situation as such, I’m sorry, but I think that it’s time to move on, and find your best possible match.

Anne Cohen
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3 thoughts on “Compromising vs. Changing People

  1. Oh yes! Comms are everything! And what better comms you will have when the key turns on the ignition!! 😉

  2. Well… THIS is something in my wheelhouse! When I was married, my ex did everything she possibly could to change me into her version of what she thought I should be, and I hated every minute of it.

    I like who I am now. I fought hard to accept myself, and I’m happy with that. But it doesn’t mean I can’t be better.

    When you meet the right person, you change because you want to. It’s not about compromising yourself or who you are- it’s about that person bringing out the best in you.

    I would never try to change the person I fell in love with, because that negate the very reason I fell for them in the first place! Everyone has their quirks and things you may not like, but you accept those things because at the end of the day, you don’t care. All that matters is what’s in that person’s heart.

    Yeah, they may drive you crazy sometimes, but really, that’s just a part of life. If anything, it keeps life interesting because that person never lets you get complacent. It has nothing to do with drama- it has to do with bringing out the best in each other. If you change or compromise, it’s because you want to- not because you have to.

    I don’t believe you should change anyone. Period.

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