It’s Erev Yom Kippur. There is so much happening in the world. There’s so much good, so much bad, and well, an abundance of unknown additionally. There are so many things I have wanted to verbally express or scream or rant about on all social media platforms but bit my tongue instead. Some would say that’s unhealthy and imploding. They would say, “Tic-tock! What are you waiting for? Speak up!” They would say that I should speak my mind and shed some light, spread some wisdom, mentioning of course that I have a platform to do so as well. Or maybe that’s just me subconsciously telling myself.
I would say that’s not genuinely the case though. I’m the type who conventionally speaks her mind, has an opinion, knows what she wants and relishes, as well as what she doesn’t, and sometimes even speaks about herself in the third person. Regardless, I feel that there’s a time and a place, and I’m simply not ready. I am getting there though. I have learned more these past couple of years than I can say. Where I felt unsure about some things, they became so abundantly clear. I started researching and learning so much more in areas that I never authentically explored, but at the same time not only have I developed quite a potty-mouth, and felt more confident to go on social media rants, but I have become much stronger.
I was always the strong and resilient type, ever since I was a little girl. But as hubris as this sounds, the past couple of years have given me time to grow beyond what I thought was possible. Along with strength, I have always been very sensitive and my level of empathy and intuition have always been quite strong, especially at certain times. More so, as I’ve gotten older. But perhaps with age and time, I have learned to trust my instincts more which could be a contributing factor. The point is that I feel much more sensitive now too, whether good or bad.
The past couple of years has genuinely done a number on most of us, and I know that I am not alone. These are merely two dramatic changes that I have visually perceived within myself. I relish this revision of me even more, and albeit off-subject, I feel that I am likely a lot to handle, at least romantically speaking, I can imagine that I would be quite a challenge as I would require to be with the type of person who would be like-minded in many ways, and strong and loving enough to let me grow and be myself completely, and appreciate my strength, my voice, and all else. I have always been told I was a tough cookie. Whatever that means. But now I suppose they’d be saying that I’m a tougher cookie, kind of like what Larry David would consider “a scone.”
Lately, I’m even wondering if I still have my sweet, nurturing, and loving side, to be honest. Maybe the right person will bring that side of me out again? I think it’s still there. I like what my mom says… “You don’t need a lot of guys to be the right match, just one. The one.” Smart lady. Speaking of people who have grown a lot. Holy smokes, what a woman she has become!
I have always had a very forgiving heart. Having said that, I’m merely created like you, in God’s image. I’m only human. I have a limit to forgiving and at some point, especially, when one has been given so many chances to be better and not to repeat the same mistakes, or hurt me or my loved ones.
I don’t wish evil or bad on anyone. And even if I did, I don’t think the eve of Yom Kippur would be very good timing. Seriously though, not good timing. I used to feel that there were more good people than bad people and that the evil people who do wrong were simply good people doing bad things, or people who were abused and raised poorly with no good role models or someone to love them. Maybe that’s still true, but again, only to an extent.
I think some people are the types who would make mistakes when they were young and no matter what their experiences or upbringing, they would learn or desire and seek to learn from them, they learn to feel remorse, and work on themselves. They’d try to improve and be a better person than the previous day and year. And this is because they don’t want to repeat the same mistakes that were done to them. Some people are genuinely good beautiful souls, good-natured, kind-hearted, and appreciate and love deeply. This has been one hell of a year, and although I know it’s not over yet, I’m still thankful and appreciative for what I have. And I have a lot to be thankful for.
Whether or not you are fasting in any way, I pray that you are all healthy and happy, and inscribed in the book of life. For those fasting this Yom Kippur, have an easy and meaningful fast. God Bless you all.
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